F.R.O.G – Fully Rely On God

Its in times like this, when am feeling so helpless that I continue to realize that I am nothing on my own. The reason I even stand is because He says I can. I breathe because of His grace that gives me the ability to. I guess sometimes its okay to be broken so we can rise up again and do better than we could ever imagine. Maybe its not so bad that we fall sometimes, because its in that falling that we spring up and shoot even higher..

Its in such trying times that I realize the extent of the goodness that awaits me. Such trials only come when we have something really great awaiting us on the other side. It can only be this dark because there is such bright light in the other side…jus that I have not reached there yet.

End of project 2 and…WHAT!! This one almost had me. Never had a more painful couple of days in arch school ever. Nothing seemed to be working for me right from the beginning. Then came the bombshell..being told to review my design 2 days to the deadline. Now that left me in a daze for quite a while and in a lot of denial. For a couple of hours that evening my head actually felt numb. I had kind of seen it coming, yes but just not to that extent.

I wanted to give up, I really did. I wanted to run away, just didnt know where to. Thoughts of quitting even crossed my mind at some point. I couldnt believe that things were going so astray. I wondered where I had gone wrong. Is it the two crucial days I had missed when I had travelled upcountry for my uncle’s funeral? The way I had come back in such a panic wondering where to begin..But I had no control over that. Then I remembered that even before that, I was still panicky and unsettled so there had to be another problem.

PRAYER

See for a while now I have been walking around thinking everything happens by default. That things just happen automatically. I guess I just needed some reminding. Maybe I just did not learn from that first time, or maybe I just thought that thats all it was-the first time. (the first project)

Sometimes I guess it takes some pain for us to learn. I need to have a constamt reminder in my life, to Fully Rely On God. He comes through for me no matter what so I dont know why it has to reach some extents for me to remember that He rules!!

I just submitted my work today andย  thats the reason I even get the strength to write. The fact that I have finally met the deadline gives me some sort of peace. The grades that will come out of that project,..well..I can only trust in God’s grace. Its been a real struggle.

This is it!! There is something I had promised myself during the holidays-that I would start a happiness lifestyle..all day everyday. I was thinking of making an entry everyday atleast to just appreciate all the reasons God has given me to be happy. Too bad I have never even revisited the idea. Well I guess this is the time to do it. Start An Everyday Happiness Regime. Because honestly I have realized lately i have been cultivating a really crappy attitude towards life and mostly everything about this academic year. I begin tomorrow.

As for today, I just want to remind y’all not to wait for when you feel your worst so that you can rush to God with all sorts of promises. Make it a habit..Make it an Everyday thing. There is nowhere you can go without Him. You need Him now and forever more.

Blessings y’all.
Love.

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This One Shall Be My Comeback!!

One project down..close to 6 more to go. How am I feeling? Pathetic! Depressed-ish! Like I could have done better in this first one. Project introduction and site-visit on the first day of reporting literally just left me damaged. Psychologically, mentally, physically not so much. It was atleast not the hallo I expected though I didnt expect some sort of embrace and sweets being dished out to each one of us. Its 4th year..not 2nd year no more!! Reality hits me over and over again.

This marathon is taking a lot of getting used to. It feels more like punishment as the day goes by. I guess thats why some call it architoture. :/ I know I have started out on some kind of slowmotion..switching software and all..just so I can produce more workable designs. Gone are the days when I would sail my way through academic years with iconic concepts that werent exactly that easy for an engineer to interpret. This will definitely take A LOT of getting used to. Getting off my comfortzone.

I have been beating myself up..A Lot!! Changing softwares especiakky felt really bad!! Kind of like I was having a really really bad breakup that is inevitable. It almost killed my drive. BUT..I am really surprised, the things I was able to do with this new one. It was a really good surprise and one that uplifted me when I was starting to feel really down. God’s grace is what I can call it.

The fact that I havent been as psyked as most of my colleagues have, has been kind of frustrating really. How everybody else is working their ass off like they are doing last project on earth while am here just simply working according to my moods. I guess I just dont wanna burn out before the last project is over. Missing my period last semester for a straight 3 months was not even funny. Yes. Welcome to architecture..where the stress is enough to hibernate some of your body organs. Looking back though, it was kind of worth it.

Funny thing though, I have noticed I always start all my academic years like this. Kind of chilled, almost blase even..getting to see where everybody is at; my colleagues, my lecturers..then BAM!! I hit when they least expect it!! Haha. But really, it takes a lot of strength, resilience, patience..this course. I cant help but wonder how it would be like if I didnt actually enjoy architecture. Man, it would be really crappy!!

Ooookaay!! Enough sobbing around!! Hallo Project 2!! Lets get this party started. I have 3 weeks to get it done. Its all about landscaping the previous project. Its my 1st landscaping project actually. I know this one shall be my come back!! ๐Ÿ™‚ That I can feel in my veins. Wish me luck people. :*

xoxo,
Love.

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The Dream..The Reality!!

I know I promised myself not to talk about The Other Gentleman but.. I had the most randomest dream ever, last night. …

He might be out of sight and for a while even been out of my mind then BAM!!! I have a dream. A very interesting one in fact..and NO, its not what you think!! haha.

In the dream, I was just chilling with M and a friend (who I actually dont know in real life), then power went off!! At first it was the usual frustration then panic then getting used to it. M then left us and came back with what looked like a motor of sorts accompanied by a package. The motor-thingy then automatically ran and the power was back. Yeiy!! “Whoever had sent this has got to be an angel because the timing is just so perfect.” I thought to myself.

The Package.

It was a bunch of letters actually.. kind of a photostory too really. I sooo love those. He talked of how it has been so far for him out there..the adventures, the beautiful things he sees everyday..how he misses home. Then in so many words..in such a deep way, very poetic actually..a part of all that writing spoke to me; of his deepset sadness due to the fact that we could only be friends, yet we connected in a very profound way. M didnt catch any of it.

The writer used a strange name for himself. Strange because none of us knew him but had referred to us in our very nicknames meaning it was someone who knew us so well.

The catch

The way he spoke/wrote…I knew this was ‘the other gentleman’.. In fact, I was quite sure that it was him because though he had been careful enough to pick out photos that did not have him in them, there was this one photo. She was in it. A certain girl he had told me about..But why all the anonymity?? Why go to the extent of adressing it to the both of us when he had never even met M.

The Awkward Scribble

There was a blank page at the back..which almost looked like a rough paper until M later pointed out that the person had scribbled my name twice actually. I couldnt help blushing honestly and even though I knew M must have noticed it, it was really kind of scary how at this particular moment, I really didnt care. I was even so shameless that I asked him to give me the letters again so I would try find out who it was. Truth is, I just wanted to re-read them because frankly, I knew he had written to me.

Back To Reality
Ofcourse I over-analysed this dream, even when I was still dreaming it. Now that I am awake doesnt make it any better really. I know I might be infatuated in a very deep kind of way, if there is anything like that really. But how do I get rid of all this feelings. Well I should never have contacted him in the first place, earlier this year.. #sigh# Maybe I miss all the attention. All that no-strings-attached texting..with just a few hints of flirting if any. Haha. When I say flirting I mean that ocassional *wink* smiley. #sigh# Or maybe its the fact that I feel like we ‘broke’ up now that he had to leave the country (till I dont know when).

He has never contacted me since he left. ;( Its been 5 weeks. (Yes..I have been counting!) That is the worst!! Buut..I haven’t contacted him either. Why?? My pride doesnt allow me. I did it once, I cant do it for the second time and so I guess this answers me. I might have been just there for the season. Just some girl he met while he was passing by. Now thats what bugs me most. Thats enough heartbreak to make me do what I should have done a long time ago; Let Go! Let Go of the second most -charming nicest kindest funniest smart perfect gentleman-guy I have ever met. Note to self; Second. M always comes first! ๐Ÿ™‚ Am out!

Peace,
Love.

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