hehe…we never really learn, do we?
Going through my 4th year of architecture, I constantly wondered whether I was fit for the course anyway. Many times I felt like giving up. I felt the need to look for a way out..another career choice perhaps…some sort of distraction, perhaps.
Being an A-student all through my 2nd and 3rd year had given me this sort of invincible streak. No. I did not walk around thinking I was the best. But I did atleast know that I was some place good, admirable, enviable. I hadnt known failure in arch school
Then my first grade in 4th year came!! One very big C+!! The list was pinned up in class for everyone to see. Thats where the trauma began. I was unable to pick myself up from there. Its like I was completely paralysed. This is where the struggle began. I tried thinking of what I had done wrong so that I could correct it in time for the rest of the projects.
Somehow, I still wasnt getting it right because I got C’s in the next two projects. These were 3 C’s so far. My lecturer grew deeply concerned, my friends grew more and more embarrassed for me, my enemies felt more powerful than ever, my parents’ and siblings grew became very worried but still had my back..atleast. But guess what!!
God smiled at me. That knowing smile that reassures you that no matter what, He is there..and has always been. That smile that warms up your heart and reaches to the depth of your soul..giving you hope. By the time the 1st semester was coming to an end I was beginning to learn the truth.
This was all a test of my faith. The struggle was real..but the progress would erase all those memories, wipe out all those tears and make it seem like a new day. Was I ready for the struggle??
Then one day in church (2nd Sunday of this year) during the day’s sermon something began to stir up in my heart. Something that I took with me that day..on to my 2nd semester of school and hopefully even through the rest of my life. (My 2nd sem began that Monday) It came right on time.
IS This Life Worth It If There Is No Struggle?
What is the point of living if we do not appreciate the little things around us..because we have it all laid out for us..to our disposal…
Is My Life Worth It If Its Not A Testimony?
Without crying, will I ever know what real laughter feels like..? Without those sleepless nights, will I ever know what a new day dawn feels like..?
If We Throw Out The Struggle We Will Never Know The Progress!!
Keep Calm, Hope.
Lately, I have been having problems with M. He has been constantly chatting with this chic for the past one year. Then the worst part, he denies that there is something going on between the two of them. 6 months ago, I confronted him and I let him know that I did not like it. Guy didnt even flinch. He did absolutely nothing about it. Since I had so much stress to deal with this 4th year, I didnt bother with that drama. But now that am on holiday and idle as hell, heck yea I want this B.S to stop!!
Worst part though, he seems to be changing gradually. He is starting to take me for granted. Probably because I have given him my all..and then he sees this chic and sees a plan B just in case I decide to bail one day. I dont know. Honestly, I am so confused. Worst part, he never even bothered to help me out during the days leading up to my 4th year pinup presentation. Yet I know he could have if he wanted to.. All my classmates had their significant others or atleast siblings helping out. Guy was just so full of excuses and even lied that he was getting me supper that last night only to say that he was just joking. Who does that? Who jokes at such a stressful time..right before a pinup. *Arch students can relate..* Then he keeps insisting that I am the one insinuating that he did not want to help. Trying to turn it all around on me. Making me look like the bad person so that I can apologize for his sake, just like I always do. It reached a point I think I cracked. I have never reached such a breaking point in this our 7-year relationship.
My emotions have just been everywhere. Gosh!! The things I have done the past few days.. Oh My Goodness! Wouldnt call myself a party animal but I managed to party non-stop from wednesday night all the way to saturday night. That was last week but one. Up until now, I have made out with 3 of my classmates and slept with two of them. :0
This is definitely not the road I want to take. Part of me regrets all I have been up to, but then again part of me doesnt give a hoot!! Because honestly, I have never felt more sexy, wanted, in control, happier, bolder, more outgoing, excited, more confident..stronger, more ambitious..Honestly, apart from my shameless lusciviousness…I feel like a better version of me. Me without M.
We are to meet in the course of the week to iron things out. I dont even know what I want at this point, with him. All I know is that I want to be happy and to be in a position where I am living out my full potential as an all-rounded individual. Wish me luck y’all. 🙂
I first noticed him when I 3rd yr like 1st sem.. He came to our studios and was requesting us to join some arch indoor games’ club. I just nodded in affirmation but I didnt follow up on that. So that day I thought to myself..”alaas. How come I’ve never seen this guy before…not bad..not bad at all.” I loved the syk he had for life especially.
Like a month later some chic, him and I attended an architectural associatio cocktail at the panafric hotel… Now this is when we were officially introduced. This day we got to talk talk..nikamjuajua..and I was like. “Oh. This guy is actually so cool” and though it was the first tym we’d talked, you’d have thought we were bossom buddies.
So when it was time to part ways its like he wanted to hug me bye but then its like I resisted..(i dunno y i did that..nkt!) so he just said that it was a real pleasure meeting me and he had this lingering gaze.. #blush#blush#
After that day, I dint think much to it, just the fact that we had gotten along so well.. Then some nyt..almost from nowhere.. I dreamt that me and him were making out in my room. Woke up feeling like such a perv because I hadnt seen him in that light. From that day I started overthinking the dream and the possibility that I was actually attracted to the guy.
So whenever we’d bump into each other and say hi.. I would fight my blushing and he would stare at me even more intensely and smile at me knowingly. Dayummn.. I knew i had to stay away from the guy coz whatever I was feeling was getn more and more intense..and M was still in the picture.
Therefore, I had to be careful around him. So I found myself avoiding him most of the tym. When we came to 4th yr I was so ecstatic because 4th yrs and 6th yrs would be in the same studio. The first days were soo freakn excitn for me. I got to see him daily and we’d say hi daily. Then another 3rd yr chic wanted both of us to join her group for some arch compe. I reluctantly had to step out of that one eventually because of school projects stress…but had been very excited about it at first because it meant more tym wit him.
So as 4th yr went by..he never really made a move and neither did I so I even started getting bored until we met one particular night at an arch students halloween party. I was stoked…and waited for him to approach me but guess what he did.
He made out with another chic in front of everyone in the club. 😦
Thats the day I realized that the feelings were definitely not mutual. ;( Then that day I was even told that he has a girlfriend in 2nd year. #double heartbreak#
From that day I even stopped saying hi to him. I like literally eeased him from my eye-view..completelg ignored him. But with tym I forgot about the ‘betrayal’ and was back to my giddy self. But anyway..up until last sunday..nothing of essence had ever happened between us. So Sunday he found me in studio pinning down my work. I was talkn to some chic so he joined us and asked of we were available coz he sorta needed help with his project. (In arch school ww help each other with projects across the years). This other chic dint seem interested but me, heck yea I was interested. So he took my no. and said he’d call. This was around 1pm. By 8 pm he hadnt called so I textd him askn if he’d gotn help. He said no..so we met up at the arch studios and he gave me the work he wanted me to help with, construction details. That night he walked me back to my hostels at like 12 midnight after I hinted that it wasnt safe for me to go alone. Nkt. As in he couldnt tell himself to do it..like be a gentleman and have the initiative. What a bore!!!
Following day was the same routine. We met up at studio and polished the work but it pissed me off how he left me there at 11 claiminng he had to go to his room to check the progress of his model and he never came back. 7pm I called him and told him I have left then he asked whether we can meet up again like at 11. Me and my ‘stupidity’, I agreed. Nkt!! So we met at 12 midnight and worked till like 3 in the a.m. This night, atleast there was subtle flirting so I was over the moon with excitement. He walked me back to my hostels yet again then as we parted ways he hugged me! *first hug* \o/ hehee.
So the next day I was soo syked. We met at our studios yet again but he was still up and down. Its only in the evening that we sat down together and he managed to convince me tu
to transnyt with him. So we went to his room only to find kumbe his bro was also transnyting with us…Dammit¡¡¡
Whole night though I was sorta bored because I had overheard him call a certain girl ‘baiby’ over the phone. So I wasnt even speaking much. I slept in two inteevals..dint have the strength to pull an all-nighter. His seemingly lack of interest in me had just totally desyked me. I remember during my second interval of sleep I overheard something that just totally crushed me. At some point its like he was getting really worked up and so he asked his brother, ” wake up that chic!!” 😦
I have never felt so used before. As in I had put myself out there yet all this guy cared about was fimishing up his work. I had been the kindest sweetest me especially knowing that I was probably never gonna see this guy again yet the least he could do ia treat me with respect. I was honestly really taken aback. I always thought he was the perfect gentleman but he guy turned out to be a douchebag!!!
To make matters worse, his girlfriends came by in the morning and dumped her handbag on the bed right next to me without even saying hi. WOW!! It took like a whole 10 awkward minutes for the guy to finally introduce us. You should have seen the girl apologising frantically..You should have seen the smirk on my face..me trying so hard to act polite.
The guy still had so much he work left and though I would have loved to help, possibly till the last minute, I decided that he didnt deserve it. Not after leading me on like that then showning me such disrepect. So when I gave him the last batch of work and asked him whether there was anything else, I knew I was just asking him for the sake of it. I couldnt bare being in the same room with him anymore. Furthermore, with his rude girlfriend. So I quickly excused myself..claimes I had to be somewhere by 10am. It was 8:30am at the time. So I packed up my stuff and as I stood to find my shoes, the girlfriend said this, “we are so grateful for you helping out”
And in my mind I was like, ” bitch pliiiiz, I know you feel like stabbing me right now!” I nodded a quick welcome and opened the door to let myself out. He said a lot of thankyous then I jokingly reminded him that there are electronic ways of payment. They all laughed it off and then he said he would talk to me later.
Guy dint as much as care how I was going to make it through the rain yet I dint even have an umbrella . Guy didnt even bother to see me off atleast till downstairs.
Later in the day, I wished him success via text and he never replied. The week has just ended like that without as much as a thankyou text from him after all I did for him. Other 6th years paid my friends who helped them out. Pais them atleast 25dollars each. Me..not even a cent…not even a ‘thankyou’
I dont regret any of this. On the contrary, I think its awesome how I put myself out there and risked getting hurt..and I did get hurt. As for him, he might think he played a very smart game…taking full advantage of a girl who you know really likes you. He is the one who shall regret!