On To The Next

Talk of having a schoolgirl crush!! This one came so very unexpectedly. He looks nothing like ‘my typical kinda guy’..and I still insist on finding out why..and how.. I am so drawn to him. Oh! By the way.. yes..I am still going steady with M even as I write this. I’m so used to this nowadays, I like to call it being a ‘normal girl’ with ‘normal feelings’ #way to console myself for emotional cheating#

I dont know how it started but I know it was all about first impressions. The first impression he left was ‘purrrfect. A little hint of interest and some subtle glances…then that last lingering goodbye stare. It was at our first meeting..at one of the school events. This event was actually a year ago. (Its been a slow one, this one) Funny enough though, it was oh so very harmless and meant nothing that day. Then all of a sudden am overthinking it a couple of days later and it all started to look very different. Very Very Exciting!

Honestly, sometimes I think I have been in a relationship for so long to the point of trying to find something exciting wherever I can. Yes. I still love M..but maybe am not in love maybe am not as excited as I was before. It comes and goes..the excitement.

This guy..is two years ahead of me in my school and we are in the same space which makes it really good. Yes, learning in my school is intergrated like that. (puhliz, who cares about learning right now; atleast I get to see my crush almost daily) We barely say more than a word to each other (I literally run out of words) but the excitement of knowing that he might be watching me..and better yet; catching him staring at me is just sooo…

“Snap out of it girl!!!” I have to constantly remind myself this everytime I catch mysef deep in fantasy. I know that just like the other ones, this is just by passing ..just like “the other gentleman”. Just saw you know, we have never talked since he left the country. It breaks my heart but I guess right now its more like am on a “on-to-the-next” spree.

But there is just something about this one; maybe its his eyes, or the way he smiles…or the way he seems to look right through me..looks like he is lost in me. Only Time Will Tell..

xoxo,
Love.

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Perfect Timing

Lately, I have been thinking a lot. A lot has been going on in my heart too. Its been very confusing..the issue with ‘the other gentleman’..I have been praying about it..very reluctantly though, because I kind of dont want all this excitement I feel to end. 😦

Then today I watched “Temptation: Confessions of a Marriage Counsellor” by Tyler Perry. *No spoilers so y’all try get it..and watch it..and you’ll know what am talking about. In a way it has pierced right through the depths of my soul, my spirit. It has illuminated all the good that I sometimes fail to see and also really brought out all the dark corners of that winding road that I so often find myself wondering about.

I know when He speaks to my heart and right through those close to 2 hours, He did. He reminded me everything that I was starting to push away. It was just the Perfect Timing. πŸ™‚

Stay Beautiful.
Love

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Picking Up The Pieces- Forbidden Love

Its easier now that you are gone. On the flipside, harder not knowing for how long.. I can easily brush it off as an ‘out-of-sight-out-of-mind’…but its not even that, exactly. We saw each other once and talked almost every other day before that. The memories though, still as fresh. You have left this very empty feeling and lots of unanswered questions. Many what-if’s flood my mind..

Cant believe this is my 3rd post about you, you must have really caught my attention. You really did catch me offguard. I wasnt prepared for any of this. Sometimes I want to delete my posts..”The Other Gentleman”..just to make this a littke bit easier on myself. Then again I stop, because those may be the only memories I will ever have of what we have/had..

I wonder whether I will ever have answers to my questions. Darn it!!Β  Why did I even start this? I should have never contacted you for a little ‘catching up’. My curiosity, I guess. I wanted to catch a glimpse of who you were..or better yet, to know your heart. I wanted to seek what I had seen and felt that day, the first time we had ever held a conversation. Back when I was 17 and you left me with a really bad ‘school-girl-crush’. Funny how we always say ‘hello’ and ‘goodbye’ at the same time. Funny how you always leave me with these feelings…even 6 years later.

I wish I knew where I fit in your heart. I know its a good place, I just dont know how good.. Your friendship I will always cherish. For that little while you were there for me in a way nobody but M has ever been for me. Not even any of my other closest friends.

I am hanging on to something that I am not sure of, yet I have something that I am sure of..or not. Maybe its the thrill of the mystery, of delving into the unknown. Of what could be..How good it could be..

There has always been this fascination about you..and now I know why. And thats probably the reason I avoided meeting because I wasnt too sure I could handle seeing what I was missing.
It gives me peace, knowing that I will always be in your heart and mind. When you tell me that perhaps I will join you there some day…my heart skips a beat..I know what you are saying; you want to see me again. The thought just makes me blush.

In the unspoken, two hearts beat to the same tune…forbidden love.

xoxo.
Love.

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I Love Him..With No Apologies!!

Many people question my cool…how me and M seem to have this almost ‘perfect’ thing going on. They dont understand how I manage to keep it together. Its been really long. We have grown a lot. Coming all this way, I have come across all sorts of people. Some have tried to discourage, some have encouraged. I appreciate all alike. Everyone has a right to their opinion. For some, whatever I do doesnt matter anyway. But this is what I have to say;

You are not the one I cried to when I was broken and feeling unloved,

You are not the one I ran to when I felt like giving up, when I had nowhere else to turn to,

You are not the one who held me close when I felt I had really messed up, and assuerd me that it would all be okay,

You are not the one I constantly share with my deepest and darkest,

You are not the one who quickly pointed out when you thought I was headed the wrong way, found a loving way to do it.

Yet here you are trying to plant doubt, trying to make me question the reason why everything seems so perfect.

See we humans are so used to bad things happening in our lives to the extent that we fail to see the good when it comes, and even if we see it, we dont take it in willingly but try to push it away because we feel perhaps we dont deserve. We really dont, actually..but its all ours anyway.

Doubt..flee my heart and mind today. Fear leave me right this moment.

I now take up my blessings as my very own and bask in the light that the cast upon my life.

No apologies,
Love.

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The Other Gentleman *sigh**sigh*

One thing I promised myself this year is to take all opportunities I find plausible and just flow with it. Thats exactly what I did today. I finally met T. In the past, its really been a struggle to meet him. Today went rather smoothly, much to my surprise. He only has a few days left before his flight and I cant help this really bitter-sweet feeling I have.

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He is intelligent without being arrogant, talkative without being annoying. Funny..witty..I thought am an overthinker..he is like the master of that. He is the puuurrrrfect gentleman and am a sucker for that, especially.

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I cant help but wonder what it would be like if he was my man. Honestly, apart from M, he is undoubtedly the nicest guy I have ever met…and now he has to leave. It breaks my heart. ;(

Given other circumstances, who knows…I have had some crushes in the past, even with M still in the picture. Most of them have really been all about the physical so they just fade away with time because I have never really emotionally connected with any of those guys. But this..this.. Him. I know he shall be etched in my heart for a lifetime.

I know things are serious when I write about them…this being my second post about this guy. Haha.

Being the gentleman he is, he arrived earlier than me which was kind of a bummer because I really would have loved to give a good impression of the great timekeeper I am. Haha. I slept late last night trying to watch movies..trying to avoid overthinking the date that was today lest I screw everything up.

Climbing those stairs felt like the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do in my life!! I was weak to my knees and I constantly had to convince myself that he was just-a-friend and therefore there was no reason for the anxiety. I remember as I walked there, I already felt full. Between the butterflies in my stomach and having to tuck in my stomach, I wasnt sure that there was really much space left in my tummy for the lunch that he was to buy. πŸ˜€

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I knew for sure that he would notice how uneasy I was. Like I said, I am not good at hiding my feelings. Kind of an open book. He quickly noticed that I was blushing when he suggested that we sit directly across. The eye-contact was what killed me mostly. He seemed to stare right through me. It was pretty intense.The guy does not waver. In my attempts to avert his gaze, he jokingly asked why I seemed distracted or whether its because I was blushing. OMG!!

I wanted to just vanish, right there and then! Never been soo embarrassed!! At some point he even thought he was boring me or maybe I was feeling nervous because M would probably bump into us having a ‘date’. Trying to explain my demeanour was the worst part for me. See I come across as really outgoing and so jumpy and bubbly when chatting via phone and that is exactly what he expected. Much to my disappointment, up to now, am just wondering whether he likes the ‘other’ me more or the me that he met today. *sigh*

Its really annoying how much I care so much about what he thinks of me. I am even surprised at myself. Arrrghhhh!!

He made a joke last night as we chatted..that at some point he thought that maybe I was avoiding meeting up with him because I was scared that he would steal me away from M. Like I said, none of us have even come close to point out the fact that we might actually really like each other. This was probably tge closest hint that he would easily hit on me, if given the chance.

One thing I know for sure though, no guy will waste his time on a girl if he doesnt see something good and I mean really gooood coming from it. Well, good is relative..but I know for sure, he is no woman-user. At some point today he said I reminded him of a girl he dated.. o_O Immediately he said this all I could here in my head is usher’s song in my head..”you remind me of a girl..” Then he says stuff like I am the female version of him and puts me in the spot questioning my love for M! o_O Asking me what I think of settling abroad, (as if he wants to whisk me away the next minute)..and even goes on to ask how many kids I would want. Enough Said!!

This guy has obviously been doing his calculations. He even tried to confuse me with issues of how its kind of sad that most long relationships or relationships that started sooo early, in most cases never work out. Got me doing a lot of thinking. How at some point in one’s adult life, one needs to know themself as an individual..bla..bla.. I have been with M all my adult life. I dont know life without M. These, I admit, are things that are usually at the back of my mind and for the first time ever, someone put me in the spot! *feeling challenged*

I know what he is trying here though. This guy is proud and will not take rejection so easily so he has to be sure its mutual before he asks that question. *same here* Hopefully I am not getting the wrong idea about all this and perhaps the guy is just happy to have found a good friend in me.

Men..help me figure this out pleaaaseee.

Lord help me!! I thank God that he is leaving soon because otherwise I would have a really hard decision to make because as it is; I am already cheating on M emotionally. But..After all is said and done, I can only wait for God to lead me for His plans are best.

 

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Until then, I can only reminisce over the beauty of meeting and getting to know such a great guy. Come what may, I know I have made a friend, perhaps for life.

Peace,
Love.

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Maybe I Want To Get Married To Make Sex Right!!

Yes. I said it!!

This past weekend was the sort of weekend part of me had been dreading.. First of all, it was a party weekend, it had been two months since we ‘bonded’ and we were going to be ‘alone’ at some point. Honestly, we didn’t even think twice!! I know I didn’t.

Now we back to square one. I feel like giving up already. Its not as easy as it seemed. It was probably easy because for those two months we never found ourselves alone. Maybe because we never really had a chance to so we just went with the flow.

We have carefully avoided the topic all weekend but its been like this ‘craizy monkey on my back’..the whole time. So yesterday I broke the awkardness and asked him ” so now whats next?” and he said, ” I dont know”

I’ve heard that before and I know exactly what it means-we just go with the flow.

I honestly dont know how to do this anymore. Things are getting more complicated by the day. Now almost all of a sudden, he has a whole house and car to himself. (his mum has travelled and not even she knows when she will be back) He is soon going to start working, still jobhunting. All these new dynamics are so new to me..and I must say, really different and exciting and all I can think of now is one thing!!

Cant we just get Married Already??

I mean, what are we waiting for. Oh! I know…financial stability, for me to atleast finish my degree..for us to be ‘ready for marriage’. Question is, is there really a time we can say that we are really ‘ready’ for marriage?

Maybe am feeling all this pressure and uneasyness because am a little disappointed at myself. Heck, it was all too conducive, that weekend. All I had to do was lie to my parents that I would be at my sister’s place in campus. Left home on friday morning, was back Monday evening. Yea, all began with a lie.

When I got into this relationship at 17, who am I kidding, I saw none of this coming. Now I have to deal with battling with guilt every once in a while. Am at a crossroads. In the past, I have hit rock bottom with this and I have even suggested that we break up because we cant be together and not ‘fall’.

4 years of ‘bonding’…(we like to call it that to make it seem legit) is not easy to just all of a sudden break off. It feels like a ‘divorce’ of sorts.

Marriage seems to be the ultimate solution to all this. I really envy people who meet and marry in two years. No mambo jambo, all straight to the point and everything runs smoothly. Those definitely have no problem waiting. Heck!! We waited for a year before we kissed..for two years before we first ‘bonded’.

Sometimes life can be so unfair I guess. Its funny how in the past people would just quickly hit it off and introduce each other to their parents and thus make it official. Then more women started getting into careers and soon that fades away. I guess we get what we asked for. I asked God to help me get into Arch school and I got a whooping 6 Years of it! I start my 4th this September.

Some may think “Maybe I want to get Married to make Sex Right”.. Well for now, I wont lie to you, Its mostly that! I will tell you this, like I have been telling everybody else. (though it started out as a joke)

I am Getting Married Next Year!!

Am out,
Love.

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Forever..Always..

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β€œPeople think a soul mate is your perfect fit, and
that’s what everyone wants. But a true soul mate
is a mirror, the person who shows you
everything that is holding you back, the person
who brings you to your own attention so you can
change your life.
A true soul mate is probably the most important
person you’ll ever meet, because they tear down
your walls and smack you awake. But to live with
a soul mate forever? Nah. Too painful. Soul
mates, they come into your life just to reveal
another layer of yourself to you, and then leave.
A soul mates purpose is to shake you up, tear
apart your ego a little bit, show you your
obstacles and addictions, break your heart open
so new light can get in, make you so desperate
and out of control that you have to transform
your life, then introduce you to your spiritual
master…”

We started talking to each other in 2005. Previously, we’d only just say ‘hi’ to each other. This time, it was a long-ish conversation and even though it involved exchanging movie dvds..I will forever remember it because thats what broke all the previous awkwardness.

He came into my life a time when I was struggling with family issues. I was soon to learn that I was not alone. He too was going through a hard time and at some point his sister, mother and him even moved out of their house and rented an apartment not so far away. This was the first thing that made us bond for the first time. We connected in a way that I had never connected with anyone before. We opened up to each other, showing our trust for each other and we conforted each other..we were each other’s shoulder to lean on.

M and I were slowly falling in love with each other. He made me smile when times were hard and made everything seem okay when it was not. Laughter became a part of my life in a very strong way. I remember my mother telling my sister to try and cheer up and start learning to smile through it all..like I was doing. Thats the day I realized I had trully changed..for the better. Almost overnight too..I had gone from sulky-in-photos too Super-Photogenic!! πŸ˜€ Haha. Am serious! You should see my photos from way back when.. I looked like I had been scolded then forced to take a photo, as more punishment. Hahahaa.

He is very easygoing without being blase and am the total opposite. I was usually the quietest person in any group of people..especially a new group of people. That soon changed. Even though am not the loudest, I am now out of the backstage. He taught me how to take life easy and quit being so uptight about everything.

I always say this to him and I always thank God for this; he is the kindest heart I know and even think I’ll ever know. For him, happiness comes naturally, I think. Haha. While some of us are struggling with a daily reminder to be happy always, he seems to just take it in stride. I want to be like him. I admire him. Definitely want to spend the rest of my life learning the secrets of his happy heart. Deep down I know the secret is God.

However, I dont know about that part where soulmates have to leave. God knows I want him in my life forever. 8 years of friendship I believe would only be fair if pushed to a lifetime.

M is my soulmate, my best friend, my lover, my partner, my companion.
Forever..Always..

Till forever dies,
Love.