He Changed My Heart

Last day of holiday and am already feeling nostalgic. This has been among the best holidays I have ever had. It has been a holiday in its true essence. I have rested enough and right now I am feeling so refreshed, its amazing. I really needed it.

This holiday, I started this blog just as a by the way and it even surprises me how much it has come to mean to me. You, dear friends have made it what it is today and I will always cherish you. Your support; follows, likes and encouragement keeps me motivated.

It has become a sort of accountability platform for me. Sometimes I even find myself thinking..”well..I wrote in the blog that one should be fearless so perhaps I should start practising it..” Makes me want to have a ‘Walk-The-Talk’ attitude. 🙂

When the holiday started, I had to keep my fingers crossed that things at home would remain calm. Being around my parents for so long is usually not so pretty because argument and misunderstanding is bound to happen. However, I have smoothly sailed through this holiday with nothing but good times and no arguments whatsoever. Mind you it has been a whole 3 months.

Lesson Learnt;

“..Maybe God is not changing your situation because He wants to change your heart first..”

I began this holiday with a prayer, that God may intervene for my family; that my dad may become more understanding, and get rid of his temper and that my mum would be more supportive and stop being on his side all the time leaving us kids to suffer under his control and outbursts of anger. I also prayed that I may have the strength and positivity to cope with all these.

Well, looking back, not much has changed about them really, just that I have been careful not to fall victim and God has been gracious. I have been Managing My Emotions..Funny thing, not really funny though, its actually kind of sad; they have had arguments among themselves due on the same-misunderstanding, tiemper.

So am looking at all these, and I begin to realize that God indeed did something really special to me..in me. Something that I will forever be grateful for. He changed my Heart..which has changed my mind, soul. See I no longer think the way I thought, of all the bad that lurked in the dark, the future and the present, past. I have learnt to let God take full control of my tommorrow. My today, He deals with it moment by moment. I dont have to worry about anything because He is Able. He is God over our past, present and future.

My Happiness Journey came as a result of this immense peace I experienced after I made that prayer. I knew I needed strength to sustain it. His Grace has been sufficient all these days. As I go back to school, For the rest of my life’s journey too I pray that His Joy shall be My strength. I know this probably feels like it but No..its not a Goodbye. Just kind of a transition post for me.. Well..then again I might not be able to blog as much with school but Ill try. Oh..and get ready to learn about Architecture..coz it will be all I eat, drink, sleep, think..and talk about. Hallo Arch School!!

Blessings,
Love.

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Being Real..

One reason why people don’t come to church willingly is because
they don’t want to be judged. They usually already know what is
not right in their lives. The last thing they want to do is to
befriend and open up to people whose lives seem so ‘spiritual’ and
perfect. They don’t want spiritual policemen in their lives!

And it’s not just people outside the church. We all open up to other

people who are real about their struggles and can identify with us.


What will help people most in their quest for the truth about God
and life purpose is for those who have experienced God’s
forgiveness to refrain from being quick to judge and slow to offer
quick advice. When we look down on others, they feel judged,
condemned and unaccepted. And when we offer ready-made
answers we fail to empathize with how complex their problems
really are.
What we instead need to do is to offer grace and acceptance while
living out the truth. People don’t care how much we know if they
don’t know how much we care!

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Some time back, I dint get accommodation in our university hostels, due to their high demand and their limited availability.  Well that was sheer bad luck!! Since we get allocation like 2 weeks before we start the semester, I knew I had enough time to try hassle for a place. Just in case someone was selling their room or something.  But to my disappointment, nothing seemed to be coming through for me. And I started getting really desperate and frustrated. Heck! I dint want to be commuting from home while I had been living the ultimate campus life for like a year already.

I knew I had to do something fast! Now, I knew my parents were so relieved, deep down because finally, they would be able to monitor my every move.  Hey, relax, I am like the most obedient child every parent could wish for.  Don’t panic, people. .. Haha. I know its their responsibility but, sometimes it goes to the extreme and its not pretty. Since they were reluctant to paying for off-campus accommodation for me because its usually almost double the price of that of on-campus, I knew I had to sort myself out.

So I came up with a lie that I was sure would win me my way out of the house!! I convinced them to allow me to stay at a friend’s while in fact, I was moving into my boyfriend’s place who would be staying on campus. So I was to stay at this said friend’s place, as I waited to see if I could get my own room. Honestly, I had always wondered what this would be like,,,co-habiting. And so this presented itself as the perfect opportunity.  Then again, through the  stress I was going through, being left out by the accommodation system, and having all my classmates pity me for being so unlucky,,I could use a drink(co-habiting)

Then along came my girlfriend from way back in highschool. We had been so tight back then, the kind of friend you share all your secrets with, and laugh with at the silliest things, share your craizy dreams and ideas with. Visit each other during holidays, spend hours talking about the most nonesensical things…. YES!! That kind of friend. We promised each other that we would not grow apart, even when we discovered that we would be going to different campuses. But time would tell… Our meetings became more rare and we talked less. 😦

I was able to notice that a few things about her had changed though.  See when she first joined campus, it had all been too overwhelming for her, the new-found freedom with all the temptations that come along with it. All night long clubbing was now her thing, taking liquor.. And even though I was already a year after I’d been deflowered, hers was still intact. Though she was still really fascinated about my situation and would constantly ask away; the details and probe me to explain it well enough. However, the next semester, she was beginning to feel really bad about her new “wild” and “free” nature. Maybe because she had, in her drunken episodes, kissed her friend’s bf as she watched. :O…I don’t know. But yes, this change gradually became a new sense of peace and spiritual journey for her whereby she reconnected with God and forgave herself for that “sinful” past.

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Then came he huge blow..One day, she had come to visit a pal of hers in our campus and she didn’t find her around so she thought she would stop by my place..of which, I dint have a “place”. haha. I looked at her phone as it rang, still contemplating on picking it, (because she had texted me before and I had not replied yet) trying to think up a lie to tell her. By now the phone had rang for so long and I thought to myself, “Heck!! I don’t care what she thinks”  See we had stayed so long without talking and due to that she had even missed out on this new development in my life; me missing a room and moving in with my bf.

What!!! I was given such a lecture!! I might have forgiven it, but I don’t think I’ll ever forget the “judgement” I received that day.  You know the way you tell your friend something that you are up to that is not so nice in the hope that maybe they won’t make you feel so bad about it…SHOCK ON ME!!!

This is how it went;

—me giving her directions over the phone..”take the left turn and come up the stairs to the 2nd floor”

—-we finally meet and exchange pleasantries, then she blurts out..”oh, you guys have mixed hostels”

—me knowing the moment I had been dreading has come..”well, actually..am staying at my bf’s place”

—-her, in utter shock at my “madness'(she didn’t have to say it, but I knew that is what she thought of it)..”WHY!!??”

—me..”well..because I missed a room”

—her..”why didn’t u stay back home..? does your mum know about this??”

By this time, I was the one in shock!! And anger was starting to build up and fast!! I told her of course my my parents knew none of this. So we took a walk to our mutual friend’s place as we had planned earlier. Now this is where S#@$T got ReAL!! haha. She told me that she couldn’t believe that I would stoop to that level. That she didn’t think that I would do something like that, cohabiting was wrong, bla, bla, and that the me she knew back then was gone! My!! I told her that my decision was based on my own opinions and that she had her own!! Thank God the said friend we were to visit happened to not be around so we just parted ways soon after.

All this time I thought to myself, “who are you to tell me these things? you have never even had a bf to know the challenges that come with being in a relationship at this age when marriage is not even around the corner because there is school to finish first!!! who are you to tell me that I have stooped low when you have never even been in a compromising situation with a guy”… You are very lucky, to not to have to go through such trials. But your time will come one day, and you will remember me, you will remember this very day, those very words you hammered into my head!” I was very bitter!

We never spoke for more than 6 months and she was the one who checked up on me anyway..and at the time, I reluctantly tried to give her another chance. Since then though, our friendship has never been the same again, and though she tries to act like nothing happened, I have never felt the need to share any personal stuff with her. I guess I could say she broke my heart ;(

I believe everyone has their own life, their own mistakes to make, their own decisions to make and consequences to deal with. I had consequences for my “misadventure”(co-habiting) but that’s a story for another day…

Let’s strip away the need to look perfect and be the

church to each other. Let’s be each other’s mighty warriors.

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Don’ judge,

Love.

My journey to ‘A Happier Me’

Happiness comes to those who seek it.
All I knew as I was coming home this holiday is that I wanted the perfect vacation, the happiest most peaceful one. And now, day 45 almost halfway into it, I can proudly say, I have never experienced such peace.

This is how it played out;
In the past, that is past two long holidays, I have often rushed to get attachment and I must say, that kind of has robbed me of that ‘perfect holiday’, fatigue from work and the constant bullying by the boss, with his endless nagging and close to supernatural demands.

Not to forget arguments with parents concerning the same attachment. Disagreements over which firm I should work for and which not. Leading to unnecessary bitterness and grudges because, I for one, thought they had crossed the line…trying to control every bit of my life. While they, on the other hand, thought I was being very rebellious. Well, things were left very sour, even at the end of that 3month holiday and I hated it!! Thats not what holidays were for>>>>

I remember one particular day when I was feeling extremely stressed out. And I told God that if its attachments that are driving the wedge between me and my parents, then am not so sure if they are worth it. I told God that on my next holiday I want to be at peace, I want to just be me, no annoying bosses, no more annoying my parents.

Thus, in the course of my semester I started to think up ways I would achieve that happiness. How I would, in a wholesome way, have the ultimate holiday.

Mentally:
1. I was going to take up any little design project that came my way. Either through referrals or friends or family (currently working on my dad’s office interiors) :))

2. While I was still in school, I had passed up a design competition opportunity partly because I was so busy with the semester projects and partly because I kept procastinating it and it really ached when the results came out and I realized I could have easily made it to the finals. But that was merely theoretical, right? Perhaps not… 😉

So I swore that during the long holiday, I would take up any design competition that came my way. (currently working on a design right now, started it on the second week of my holiday, due mid August. Y’all wish me luck. 1000USD at stake here!! ;))

3. I have like more than 20 architecture ebooks and I always complain during school, how hard it is to read one, cover to cover. I mostly use them as reference books. (currently done reading a certain book on architectural sustainability and My! Oh My! Boy have I been missing out!! )

Emotionally
1.I am quite the emotional type. I get teared up at the slightest things. Always trying to work on it though. Back in school I even got myself a book. ” Managing Your Emotions” by Joyce Meyer. And well, am still reading it. Okay, honestly I wanna continue reading it today…since the beginning of the holiday.

2 Emotionally also; I tend to get into stupid fights with my boyfriend a lot more when we are apart from each other than when we are together. In school; we see each other almost everyday. At home; every once a week. (this time though none of that has happened. 🙂 i have learnt to get a grip of my emotions more.)

Spiritually
1.Well, I go to church atleast every Sunday and  I know that doesnt count as being spiritually stable at all. So I search myself deeper…my inner self. And one thing that I must confess that has me in bondage, is sexual sin. See, though me and my boyfriend are christians, and believers at that, we struggle a lot with sexual sin. And its easier during the holidays, to stave off the urges and to focus on other things….

We have been together for 6 years now, and we have been having sex in 4 of those. Quite a dilemma this has been. But we are working on it. (for the first time ever, we were able to stay 5 weeks without giving on and then when we finally did, we swore to make thing work, and now its going to the 3rd week. Wish me strength y’all :)) I still believe that sex before marriage is wrong.

2.As a way to grow spiritually too, I thought of getting christian novels for once!!! Always thought them to be boring and condescending, judgmental and full of threats. Much to my shock and delight, I found them to be the best books one could ever read in their life. So refreshing. (am now going to my 4th book, after reading ‘Oceans Apart’, ‘Divine’, and ‘Redemption’…all by Karen Kingsbury.) Get them…if you love life!! And if you are seeking that indepth knowledge of how God can work in your life.

Wow! Cant believe I have to do this..again…cut short my post. But, I have to call the contractor doing my dad’s office interiors and set up a meeting with him and get my design rolling!!!! Catch y’all later! Don go nowhere! Hehehehe..

Wish me luck!
Love

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