A Solder Lives…To Fight Another Day.

We come to a point in our lives when for a split second, everything seems so perfect. This is when all that ever bothered you is no longer a problem but merely a figment of your memory. You reach a point where you can comfortably laugh it off and brush it off as a ‘lesson-learnt’.

Sometimes I even have to pinch myself, refusing to believe for just a moment, that my family is as blessed as we are now. We have our struggles, yes. But nothing compared to the horrors of yesterday. I am still amazed at how far we have come..each one of us. Trully, God answers prayers.

10years ago, a time like this, I would probably be locked up in my room trying to drown myself in little sketches that I liked to do when I was sad and feeling lonely. I would then try to numb the recurring stomach ulcers with some soft humming from my favourite radio. I would try to occupy my mind so much so that I would not even dare think about the violence that would follow in the night; the yelling, throwing around of furniture and utensils, the beatings, the exchange of words, the rumours that would go around among the neighbours the following morning, missed breakfast, getting late to school, skipping lunch coz of too much stress.

It left me and my 8 year-old sister so scared and helpless. Even though he didnt touch or insult us, the much he did to my mother was enough to scar us and to make us hate him more everyday. Alcohol. He had succumbed to it. It was ruining our lives. We suffered for 7 long years. On and Off. On and Off.

Finally, around this time, in 2005, we managed to convince him to go to rehab. Yes. God had finally changed his heart, made him more willing to give it a try. Second Chances. Our prayers of Redemption were finally being answered. This was only the beginning. He recovered well in those three months he was there and then joined us.

If you see us today, its unbelievable. Many wonder how we did it. It was God’s Divine Power. My mother, sister and I clung to prayers like they were our daily bread…our breathe. They actually were, come to think of it. Soon after, we even moved to a new neighbourhood…way better by standards and even psychologically. There was no point of staying there, where we were under constant scrutiny from the neighbours, waiting for any slight fall. It was a fresh start for us.

Dad has been sober for 8 years now. I am proud of him. Never misses mass on Sundays. The most positive person I have ever met. Sometimes he can be so positive it even starts to get annoying. Haha. Well…I have started to turn into that myself.

You might think that it is now so perfect. Yes…perhaps when compared to the past, but in reality, no, far from it. But we are managing. The hardest thing has been trying to rebuild the burnt bridges. The fear we had for him still lingers on. We used to isolate ourselves and avoid him and thus we never really got to bond well. We are obviously closer to mother and so sometimes he feels left out and instead of trying to reach out he gets angry and pushes us away. Its a struggle getting to know each other all over again. He is a perfectionist, likes to have all control and is very short-tempered. Am getting used to that. Its not easy, but am trying. We all are.

He wrote me a letter when I was still away in highschool; in boarding school. Of all the things he said, “A Soldier Live To Fight Another Day”..has remained etched in my heart. I hold on to that everyday. Things never get easier. We only get tougher!

Stay Strong,
Love.

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My Weed Story

Looking back at the 3 past years, I smile. Am halfway through campus and a great future beckons me…My curiosity drives me though it sometimes dreads to break me. I laugh at my mistakes now and live to joke about the tears because now more than ever, I feel so free. (Okay maybe its because am on holiday..) Haha. Wrong! My Happiness journey has has helped me a whole lot.

The past academic year was by far the most stressful and the one that could have totally messed me up. It seriously got me questioning whether architecture was the right course for me. Mild headaches now became an everyday thing.

I remember some days when after a harsh crit, I would retire to my room, lock it, amd shut down my computer which on a normal situation is usually on like 24/7!! And I would get into bed and sleep it all of. Then there would be the weekends when I would decide not touch my design at all!!! And I would party all weekend long. On normal days I go out like once in every 2months. But all the stress pushed me to partyn every single weekend.

I absolutely love dancing and thus alcohol is not a favourite. So the few times I would drink it would be 2 smirnoff ices only. Only coz they taste like soda…sprite actually! Then i turned to doing like 3 shots every time we would go out as a group of classmates.

Then enter (one of the) day I will never forget>>>>>

This particular friday M happened to be having a party over at his hostels. And a campus party is not a party without hard liquor particularly vodka. I went over to say hi and after a couple of hrs I went back to my hostels…with like 125ml of vodka. Since me and my classmates had planned to go out that friday night, to let off steam and ish..

5:00pm I thought to myself.. “why not kickstart the partyn. ” I got a bottle of cocacola and decided to mix a little vodka with it.

6:30pm Am almost done with the vodka now so I decide to just put it all in the 500ml coke bottle so now its half full.

10:00pm I finish gulping the last of the drink and get out of my room to find out if we can start to rock this friday.

11:00pm We are all ready and so we meet up outside and then we share a cookie. We share one among 4 of us. Big Mistake!! By this time am already tipsy from the drink I had been filling myself up with…

11:20pm We are near the club and we are already giggling like craizy!! We enter the club and when we are all settled up the craziness begins….

None of us were up dancing yet which was really weird because we usually start to dance like right at the door of the club. Haha. Talk of mad excitement!! So I asked my girlfriends if the were okay. They said they were fine so minutes later I just stood up and started dancing. Minutes later they joined me. We were with 2 boys by the way. After that we sat down and then it started happening>>>>

The music started to get louder amd louder. At first it was really cool and then it started to sound soooo irritatingly out of this world L.O.U.D!!! Then I decided to stand up and dance. Thats the time I started to really feel it. My body like literally separated from me. Couldnt feel any of my body parts. I remember thinking, “Jesus help me!! I think something is possessing me!” The idea of even calling out Jesus in a club is even distasteful..I know. I should have called Him out when I realized I was under so much stress, in the comfort of my room, right?? In tears..down on my knees, right? But it wasnt that easy. I guess I needed Jesus now…most. When I was messing up so bad!! 😦

Then everyone all of a sudden started to move in slowmotion and everything I imagined, I saw…like how the pictures on the screens were also dancinh around crazily, how the guys at the table in front of us seemed to be planning how they will drug us, kidnap us, rob us and God knows what else!!! “Heck!! They must have already drugged us..thus what am feeling now.” I thought. The waiter (taking their order) seemed to be part of it too. They were probably paying him for successfully managing to lace our drinks. My heart beat rose to a level I had never ever imagined was possible (that I was still alive was another shock too) and I thought I should probably sit down. Between the sudden cold and heat I would feel and the utter thirst and hunger…All my senses were sooo elevated!! I knew was a goner!! So I started to say my last prayers… Because this was all too surreal..unless ofcourse I was dying!! 😦

Now since I couldnt even feel my body, sitting down was starting to prove to be a really tedious task. I knew I wanted to sit down but I just didnt know how to!! Then I started to freak out coz I couldnt talk either yet I knew I had to warn my friends to keep watch of the “kidnappers” At some point, I finally managed to sit down and talk.. I warned my friends and also told them where my keys were lest they were forced to carry me to my room coz honestly, I have never felt so wasted in my life!! I almost grew hysterical with my hallucinations until one of the biys assured me that I was just experiencing a weed high!! :O

NEVER AGAIN!! I swore through my teeth!!!

Thank God the guys were good friends..and that they werent high on weed like us girls or else that night would have gotten really ugly!! gOSH!! We ended up safe and sound in our room at like 5:00am.

Worst mistake was not taking vodka..or taking weed…not even taking both!! BUT…drinking vodka then taking weed!! Vice-versa is not so bad though depending on your tolerance levels, you might just end up in the sick bay if not the E.R…or worse..dead!! I hard to learn the hard way why they say we should not take alcohol or drugs. My curiosity almost messed me up there.

I have been sober for close to 3 months now. But an even more stressful academic year is approaching!! Actually the most stressful year in Arch School!! And I wont lie. Am very very scared. I dont do so well under pressure. Well, I try, but I know I can do better!!

Dont try this at home people..or anywhere else for that matter!! For me, its Once Bitten Twice Shy!!

Stay Sober,
Love.

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