Lets Just Skip To The Best Part

“The wind that blows can never kill The tree God plants;
It bloweth east; it bloweth west;
The tender leaves have little rest, But any wind that blows is best.
The tree God plants Strikes deeper root, grows higher still, Spreads wider boughs, for God’s good-will Meets all its wants.”

—LILLIE E. BARR.

As long as I belong to Him…I know that no matter what comes my way, I shall continue to stand. When am going through hard times, I like to remind myself that “He will carry me through…”

And even now..as I usher in my 4th year of Arch School, I am scared stiff. As the Arch School legend goes, it is by far, the toughest most stressful year. Nobody loves tough. My 2nd year was a blast..so much fun..and I would love me days like those every now and then. Unfortunately or fortunately, I have to go through the tough to make me stronger.

Times like this I wish I could just fastfoward to the good parts…like my first graduation, with my first first class.. Whats this talk of firsts, you may wonder.. Ours is a two-tier program where you graduate twice. First graduation is after 4th year, Bachelor in Achitectural Studies. Then there’s an optional continuation to 5th and 6th year where you graduate at the end of 6th year with a Bachelor in Architecture. Difference?? 5th and 6th are thesis years and until you get your BArch at the end of your 6th, you can’t be a registerd architect. Sucks!!

Yes. So times like this I would wish to skip all the stress and sleepless nights in studio, harsh crits by the studio masters..and find myself in a flourishing arch firm earning my first cool 6-figures. But then again, would all these be worth it without the pain? Does it even count, that sort of thing that would come too easily.

Oh Life!! Do you have to be soo hard!! Maybe so we can appreciate you more…huh?  All the same, I pray that He may carry me through, as I begin my 4th this monday. Therefore, I am at rest, I have nothing to worry about for He holds it together for me.

Cheers,
Love.

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The Other Gentleman *sigh**sigh*

One thing I promised myself this year is to take all opportunities I find plausible and just flow with it. Thats exactly what I did today. I finally met T. In the past, its really been a struggle to meet him. Today went rather smoothly, much to my surprise. He only has a few days left before his flight and I cant help this really bitter-sweet feeling I have.

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He is intelligent without being arrogant, talkative without being annoying. Funny..witty..I thought am an overthinker..he is like the master of that. He is the puuurrrrfect gentleman and am a sucker for that, especially.

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I cant help but wonder what it would be like if he was my man. Honestly, apart from M, he is undoubtedly the nicest guy I have ever met…and now he has to leave. It breaks my heart. ;(

Given other circumstances, who knows…I have had some crushes in the past, even with M still in the picture. Most of them have really been all about the physical so they just fade away with time because I have never really emotionally connected with any of those guys. But this..this.. Him. I know he shall be etched in my heart for a lifetime.

I know things are serious when I write about them…this being my second post about this guy. Haha.

Being the gentleman he is, he arrived earlier than me which was kind of a bummer because I really would have loved to give a good impression of the great timekeeper I am. Haha. I slept late last night trying to watch movies..trying to avoid overthinking the date that was today lest I screw everything up.

Climbing those stairs felt like the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do in my life!! I was weak to my knees and I constantly had to convince myself that he was just-a-friend and therefore there was no reason for the anxiety. I remember as I walked there, I already felt full. Between the butterflies in my stomach and having to tuck in my stomach, I wasnt sure that there was really much space left in my tummy for the lunch that he was to buy. 😀

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I knew for sure that he would notice how uneasy I was. Like I said, I am not good at hiding my feelings. Kind of an open book. He quickly noticed that I was blushing when he suggested that we sit directly across. The eye-contact was what killed me mostly. He seemed to stare right through me. It was pretty intense.The guy does not waver. In my attempts to avert his gaze, he jokingly asked why I seemed distracted or whether its because I was blushing. OMG!!

I wanted to just vanish, right there and then! Never been soo embarrassed!! At some point he even thought he was boring me or maybe I was feeling nervous because M would probably bump into us having a ‘date’. Trying to explain my demeanour was the worst part for me. See I come across as really outgoing and so jumpy and bubbly when chatting via phone and that is exactly what he expected. Much to my disappointment, up to now, am just wondering whether he likes the ‘other’ me more or the me that he met today. *sigh*

Its really annoying how much I care so much about what he thinks of me. I am even surprised at myself. Arrrghhhh!!

He made a joke last night as we chatted..that at some point he thought that maybe I was avoiding meeting up with him because I was scared that he would steal me away from M. Like I said, none of us have even come close to point out the fact that we might actually really like each other. This was probably tge closest hint that he would easily hit on me, if given the chance.

One thing I know for sure though, no guy will waste his time on a girl if he doesnt see something good and I mean really gooood coming from it. Well, good is relative..but I know for sure, he is no woman-user. At some point today he said I reminded him of a girl he dated.. o_O Immediately he said this all I could here in my head is usher’s song in my head..”you remind me of a girl..” Then he says stuff like I am the female version of him and puts me in the spot questioning my love for M! o_O Asking me what I think of settling abroad, (as if he wants to whisk me away the next minute)..and even goes on to ask how many kids I would want. Enough Said!!

This guy has obviously been doing his calculations. He even tried to confuse me with issues of how its kind of sad that most long relationships or relationships that started sooo early, in most cases never work out. Got me doing a lot of thinking. How at some point in one’s adult life, one needs to know themself as an individual..bla..bla.. I have been with M all my adult life. I dont know life without M. These, I admit, are things that are usually at the back of my mind and for the first time ever, someone put me in the spot! *feeling challenged*

I know what he is trying here though. This guy is proud and will not take rejection so easily so he has to be sure its mutual before he asks that question. *same here* Hopefully I am not getting the wrong idea about all this and perhaps the guy is just happy to have found a good friend in me.

Men..help me figure this out pleaaaseee.

Lord help me!! I thank God that he is leaving soon because otherwise I would have a really hard decision to make because as it is; I am already cheating on M emotionally. But..After all is said and done, I can only wait for God to lead me for His plans are best.

 

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Until then, I can only reminisce over the beauty of meeting and getting to know such a great guy. Come what may, I know I have made a friend, perhaps for life.

Peace,
Love.

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Maybe I Want To Get Married To Make Sex Right!!

Yes. I said it!!

This past weekend was the sort of weekend part of me had been dreading.. First of all, it was a party weekend, it had been two months since we ‘bonded’ and we were going to be ‘alone’ at some point. Honestly, we didn’t even think twice!! I know I didn’t.

Now we back to square one. I feel like giving up already. Its not as easy as it seemed. It was probably easy because for those two months we never found ourselves alone. Maybe because we never really had a chance to so we just went with the flow.

We have carefully avoided the topic all weekend but its been like this ‘craizy monkey on my back’..the whole time. So yesterday I broke the awkardness and asked him ” so now whats next?” and he said, ” I dont know”

I’ve heard that before and I know exactly what it means-we just go with the flow.

I honestly dont know how to do this anymore. Things are getting more complicated by the day. Now almost all of a sudden, he has a whole house and car to himself. (his mum has travelled and not even she knows when she will be back) He is soon going to start working, still jobhunting. All these new dynamics are so new to me..and I must say, really different and exciting and all I can think of now is one thing!!

Cant we just get Married Already??

I mean, what are we waiting for. Oh! I know…financial stability, for me to atleast finish my degree..for us to be ‘ready for marriage’. Question is, is there really a time we can say that we are really ‘ready’ for marriage?

Maybe am feeling all this pressure and uneasyness because am a little disappointed at myself. Heck, it was all too conducive, that weekend. All I had to do was lie to my parents that I would be at my sister’s place in campus. Left home on friday morning, was back Monday evening. Yea, all began with a lie.

When I got into this relationship at 17, who am I kidding, I saw none of this coming. Now I have to deal with battling with guilt every once in a while. Am at a crossroads. In the past, I have hit rock bottom with this and I have even suggested that we break up because we cant be together and not ‘fall’.

4 years of ‘bonding’…(we like to call it that to make it seem legit) is not easy to just all of a sudden break off. It feels like a ‘divorce’ of sorts.

Marriage seems to be the ultimate solution to all this. I really envy people who meet and marry in two years. No mambo jambo, all straight to the point and everything runs smoothly. Those definitely have no problem waiting. Heck!! We waited for a year before we kissed..for two years before we first ‘bonded’.

Sometimes life can be so unfair I guess. Its funny how in the past people would just quickly hit it off and introduce each other to their parents and thus make it official. Then more women started getting into careers and soon that fades away. I guess we get what we asked for. I asked God to help me get into Arch school and I got a whooping 6 Years of it! I start my 4th this September.

Some may think “Maybe I want to get Married to make Sex Right”.. Well for now, I wont lie to you, Its mostly that! I will tell you this, like I have been telling everybody else. (though it started out as a joke)

I am Getting Married Next Year!!

Am out,
Love.

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Forever..Always..

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“People think a soul mate is your perfect fit, and
that’s what everyone wants. But a true soul mate
is a mirror, the person who shows you
everything that is holding you back, the person
who brings you to your own attention so you can
change your life.
A true soul mate is probably the most important
person you’ll ever meet, because they tear down
your walls and smack you awake. But to live with
a soul mate forever? Nah. Too painful. Soul
mates, they come into your life just to reveal
another layer of yourself to you, and then leave.
A soul mates purpose is to shake you up, tear
apart your ego a little bit, show you your
obstacles and addictions, break your heart open
so new light can get in, make you so desperate
and out of control that you have to transform
your life, then introduce you to your spiritual
master…”

We started talking to each other in 2005. Previously, we’d only just say ‘hi’ to each other. This time, it was a long-ish conversation and even though it involved exchanging movie dvds..I will forever remember it because thats what broke all the previous awkwardness.

He came into my life a time when I was struggling with family issues. I was soon to learn that I was not alone. He too was going through a hard time and at some point his sister, mother and him even moved out of their house and rented an apartment not so far away. This was the first thing that made us bond for the first time. We connected in a way that I had never connected with anyone before. We opened up to each other, showing our trust for each other and we conforted each other..we were each other’s shoulder to lean on.

M and I were slowly falling in love with each other. He made me smile when times were hard and made everything seem okay when it was not. Laughter became a part of my life in a very strong way. I remember my mother telling my sister to try and cheer up and start learning to smile through it all..like I was doing. Thats the day I realized I had trully changed..for the better. Almost overnight too..I had gone from sulky-in-photos too Super-Photogenic!! 😀 Haha. Am serious! You should see my photos from way back when.. I looked like I had been scolded then forced to take a photo, as more punishment. Hahahaa.

He is very easygoing without being blase and am the total opposite. I was usually the quietest person in any group of people..especially a new group of people. That soon changed. Even though am not the loudest, I am now out of the backstage. He taught me how to take life easy and quit being so uptight about everything.

I always say this to him and I always thank God for this; he is the kindest heart I know and even think I’ll ever know. For him, happiness comes naturally, I think. Haha. While some of us are struggling with a daily reminder to be happy always, he seems to just take it in stride. I want to be like him. I admire him. Definitely want to spend the rest of my life learning the secrets of his happy heart. Deep down I know the secret is God.

However, I dont know about that part where soulmates have to leave. God knows I want him in my life forever. 8 years of friendship I believe would only be fair if pushed to a lifetime.

M is my soulmate, my best friend, my lover, my partner, my companion.
Forever..Always..

Till forever dies,
Love.

Tomorrow Will Be Anxious For Itself!!

Matthew 6:34

34 “Therefore do not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble.”

A constant reminder to me, the notorious ‘overthinker’ to stop worrying about the future.

I have 4 days to go for my design competition entry. This week I have been trying to beat all odds. Working almost non-stop. I have resolved my design in ways I had never thought I could. Last week and the one before, I was so tired and felt like giving up. Well, truth is, I actually gave up. Especially after my friend and classmate told me that he was tired as well-trying to juggle attachment and the competition.

I remember thinking, “well, atleast if he is out..” I consoled myself with that fact and also the fact that I was very busy with an office interiors project myself. So I also went on to think of the possibilities of my then 1/4 of a design making it through the winnings. It would probably even be disqualified for “lack of seriousness”. Then I also told myself that it was perhaps not God’s plans for me to do the competition anyway.

But what about the feeling I got immediately I got my hands on the competition brief..? I felt like I was called to do it! Where was that promise…? Is it possible that the same God who told me to do it and see His Amazing Works was now telling me that I will not make it..? Never!! Lies!!

I block all thoughts of tomorrow because they are mostly negative and I choose to focus on the now. Now is when you can change something, not Tomorrow. I decided that even though I have a week, I will try what I can..’A Day At A Time.’ (lately I have been feeling like that should have been the name of my blog..oh well..) 19th August ’13 be the D-Day!

Pray for me guys,
Love.

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A Solder Lives…To Fight Another Day.

We come to a point in our lives when for a split second, everything seems so perfect. This is when all that ever bothered you is no longer a problem but merely a figment of your memory. You reach a point where you can comfortably laugh it off and brush it off as a ‘lesson-learnt’.

Sometimes I even have to pinch myself, refusing to believe for just a moment, that my family is as blessed as we are now. We have our struggles, yes. But nothing compared to the horrors of yesterday. I am still amazed at how far we have come..each one of us. Trully, God answers prayers.

10years ago, a time like this, I would probably be locked up in my room trying to drown myself in little sketches that I liked to do when I was sad and feeling lonely. I would then try to numb the recurring stomach ulcers with some soft humming from my favourite radio. I would try to occupy my mind so much so that I would not even dare think about the violence that would follow in the night; the yelling, throwing around of furniture and utensils, the beatings, the exchange of words, the rumours that would go around among the neighbours the following morning, missed breakfast, getting late to school, skipping lunch coz of too much stress.

It left me and my 8 year-old sister so scared and helpless. Even though he didnt touch or insult us, the much he did to my mother was enough to scar us and to make us hate him more everyday. Alcohol. He had succumbed to it. It was ruining our lives. We suffered for 7 long years. On and Off. On and Off.

Finally, around this time, in 2005, we managed to convince him to go to rehab. Yes. God had finally changed his heart, made him more willing to give it a try. Second Chances. Our prayers of Redemption were finally being answered. This was only the beginning. He recovered well in those three months he was there and then joined us.

If you see us today, its unbelievable. Many wonder how we did it. It was God’s Divine Power. My mother, sister and I clung to prayers like they were our daily bread…our breathe. They actually were, come to think of it. Soon after, we even moved to a new neighbourhood…way better by standards and even psychologically. There was no point of staying there, where we were under constant scrutiny from the neighbours, waiting for any slight fall. It was a fresh start for us.

Dad has been sober for 8 years now. I am proud of him. Never misses mass on Sundays. The most positive person I have ever met. Sometimes he can be so positive it even starts to get annoying. Haha. Well…I have started to turn into that myself.

You might think that it is now so perfect. Yes…perhaps when compared to the past, but in reality, no, far from it. But we are managing. The hardest thing has been trying to rebuild the burnt bridges. The fear we had for him still lingers on. We used to isolate ourselves and avoid him and thus we never really got to bond well. We are obviously closer to mother and so sometimes he feels left out and instead of trying to reach out he gets angry and pushes us away. Its a struggle getting to know each other all over again. He is a perfectionist, likes to have all control and is very short-tempered. Am getting used to that. Its not easy, but am trying. We all are.

He wrote me a letter when I was still away in highschool; in boarding school. Of all the things he said, “A Soldier Live To Fight Another Day”..has remained etched in my heart. I hold on to that everyday. Things never get easier. We only get tougher!

Stay Strong,
Love.

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I Will Soar Like An Eagle…

The eagle is the most majestic bird in the sky, but something happens to all Eagles at least once in their lifetime, they molt.

In the life of every Eagle, they will go through a molting process that can bring with it a great depression.

This is a wilderness time where;

*They begin to lose their feathers, and their beak and claws begin to alter as well.

*The eagle will walk like a turkey and they has no strength at all to fly.

*The molting eagle finds himself in the valley, unable to fly, with its feathers falling out.

*They lose their ability to see, as well, their vision weakens during this time.

*Calcium builds up on their beaks and they can’t hold their heads up.

*This is so traumatic, to the proud majestic birds that Eagles truly are. They lose their desire to eat, they only eat fresh meat and they have no strength to hunt..

But then another phenomenon takes place….

*When the molting eagle gets in this last state, often times they will begin to peck on each other, occasionally killing another molting eagle, as they gather together in one place.

*At this time they will choose some area of a mountain range where the sun can shine directly on them, and they will lie on a rock and bathe in the sun.

*During this time other eagles come and drop food to the ones going through this “molting” stage. But, its never the younger eagles that are dropping the food, it is always the older eagles that have survived this experience and know what the “molting” eagle is going through.

.. “It is a most pathetic sight to see. Four or five eagles molting in the valley, where they once would only soar over to look for fresh kill. “…

But, If they don’t renew, they will die. ”

They grow weaker and weaker. Suddenly there comes a sound from the sky over the valley. Screaming loudly, another group of eagles fly overhead and drop fresh meat over the dying birds. The screaming is encouragement. That’s what they reckon; the screaming is encouragement from other Eagles who have already gone through this. Some eat and recover but others roll over and die.

Any of this sounds familiar? Yes. ..thought so. This stage of the life of an eagle sounds so much like what I am going through right now. What you or someone you might know, may be going through.

This is how I relate;

1. It takes place in a valley

We all know that life is not always on the mountain top. It has its ups and downs..hills and valleys. It’s not always soaring in the heavenlies. And like a friend of mine once told me on a particular Monday when she was not in the best of moods..’Every day is not a Sunday.’.. I will never forget that fact. There will times when we feel we are in a valley / a wilderness maybe… But I love to read Genesis 26:19 because it talks about Isaac being brought into a valley, we are told that he had to dig there, and when he dug, he found a well of fresh running water.

But then when the Eagle is like this…

2. They lose their desire to eat

Times like I usually feel like I have lost hope in all I have ever believed in. Nothing makes sense anymore and so I avoid the very thing that can help me-God’s Word. Times when I should be praying like never before, are the times am most angry at God and feel like I cant even utter a word to Him.

Then there is another thing

3. Their vision goes

That sublime vision that is so awesome, so inspiring, the Eagle could spot a rabbit miles away… Things that mattered matter no more, like good health and just simply breathe.. Such times all I think of is the pain am going through and I fail to look around me, near me, to see all the goodness, the blessings that surround me despite my problems.

“Don’t let ’em clouds cloud your vision…”

A. Hurts can cloud your vision
B. People can
C. Church life can / its bickering / squabbling can

Then this happens to the Eagle at the time of molting..

4. Calcium builds up on its beak, and they find themselves looking down. Bad habits are very easy to acquire during the times we are low. Habits such as drunkenness, promiscuity, arrogance, cruelty and a lot of negative attitude.

When you urn your eyes upon Jesus look fully in His wonderful face, things of earth will grow strangely dim In the light of His glory and grace…

But then they tell us;

5. The Eagle begins to help its self in this state

They scratch at their own claws until they are down to nothing and so will grow new again.They will knock beaks until the calcium that was weighing them down falls.
I like to look at this way; the old calcium is the old us..our old bad habits that must die because they will be of no use to us in the place we are going..when we soar. 

Then again, God helps those who help themselves. If we make the effort God will respond to that. Sitting about moping, sitting about reeling is not the thing to do.
But the greatest thing of all The Eagle does to benefit itself while it is in this state of molting is to choose a spot were the sun can shine directly on them. Eagles will find a rock and they will lay on it. They will do so as they bathe in the presence of the sun. They will let the sun beam down on them. They will wait just there and its here that they begin to get renewed.

            “…Be Still…”

…”Isaiah 40:31. But those who wait on the LORD Shall renew their strength; They shall mount up with wings like eagles, They shall run and not be weary, They shall walk and not faint….”

I hope this detailed account of the eagle’s molting stage is as encouraging to you as it is to me.

Then always remember this pals, if God can restore an eagle..a bird.. how much more can He do for us then, His children…. Its Simply Amazing!! 🙂

Soaring,
Love.

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10 Reasons Why I Started Blogging

I know. I know. Who cares!? Right?? Well…I do!! And for that reason, I WRITE!

1
One day I was very idle and during such times I like to visit the android market to see what new apps ’em geniuses have come up with. *no offence btw* In one of my random searches, I came across a wordpress app and thought to myself, “hmm…how different is this from ‘blogspot’..??” (i have 2 inactive blogspot blogs with like 2 posts each,…one from 2011, the other 2012..) How very pathetic!!…hahaha. The rest is history.

2
I think faster than I speak and thus have in me so many unspoken words, so much untapped energy. So I thought a blog would be the best place to release it-the energy. Oh. And Im better at listening and analysing situations in my head..sometimes playing them in my head, over and over again. (Call me an overthinker…thats how I roll!!) Organizing all these thoughts in form of writing didnt seem like such a bad idea.

3
M is very amused at how much I pretend to know the answer to everything by coming up with craizy theories to explain some of life’s intrigues. How about I try to explain it to the world too. Be one of the millions of answers found on google. B-)

4
My father once told me that I like to act like I know it All..So I thought, “hey..why not share All I Know with the whole world!!” Tell it all to a bunch of people whetger they care about it or not..whether they side with me or not. :p

5
This you might have read earlier in a previous post. I like to do self-therapy. I will write to encourage if I feel down and I will write to console when I feel like I need to be comforted. I will try to be funny when I need a good laugh and I will write the most heartbreaking story when I feel like I need a good sobbing.

6
Sometimes I talk to myself and am really surprised at some of the things I come up with; craizy or not. Hence I decided to just write all that crap down for the whole world to see, instead of talking to myself and looking totally insane!! Haha.

7
The mystery of the numbers and even types of people I might reach out to with whatever I write fascinates me and gives me this undying curiosity. Drives me to just keep writing and keep putting it out there. 😀

8
By now, you may have noticed that I am an open book. I do tell all. Mostly because I dont have a confidant…and partly because its a safe place to rant and rave. Yes..people. I have put that much amount of trust in you. Dont you dare break my heart!! :p

9
The irony of having a ‘journal’ as  private as this and yet sooo out-there-for-the-whole-world-to-see is very very exciting. And yes…Nobody knows that this exists. None of my friends..no family member. Not even M. Just the other day I asked him if he would be okay with me sharing our relationship experiences on a blog and he was soo cool with it. Poor guy has no clue that this very blog has been in existence for close to a month now… :p

10
I believe that I can be of great help to someone out there by sharing my thoughts and experiences; highs and lows that life has dealt me. I am happy to be alive and well and to have the priviledge to be able to express myself to strangers and yet connect with them in a way that is so incredibly wonderful. I dont have to be the president of a nation for my voice to be heard, to make a change. Neither do I have to win the Nobel Peace prize for me to feel like I have achieved that ultimate feeling of knowing you have influenced the world. Have my name in the history books and all that other heroic, famous stuff. Haha. Maybe one day I will..who knows, but for now, words are more powerful. So I continue to write..with love..

Keep writing,
Love.

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Being Real..

One reason why people don’t come to church willingly is because
they don’t want to be judged. They usually already know what is
not right in their lives. The last thing they want to do is to
befriend and open up to people whose lives seem so ‘spiritual’ and
perfect. They don’t want spiritual policemen in their lives!

And it’s not just people outside the church. We all open up to other

people who are real about their struggles and can identify with us.


What will help people most in their quest for the truth about God
and life purpose is for those who have experienced God’s
forgiveness to refrain from being quick to judge and slow to offer
quick advice. When we look down on others, they feel judged,
condemned and unaccepted. And when we offer ready-made
answers we fail to empathize with how complex their problems
really are.
What we instead need to do is to offer grace and acceptance while
living out the truth. People don’t care how much we know if they
don’t know how much we care!

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Some time back, I dint get accommodation in our university hostels, due to their high demand and their limited availability.  Well that was sheer bad luck!! Since we get allocation like 2 weeks before we start the semester, I knew I had enough time to try hassle for a place. Just in case someone was selling their room or something.  But to my disappointment, nothing seemed to be coming through for me. And I started getting really desperate and frustrated. Heck! I dint want to be commuting from home while I had been living the ultimate campus life for like a year already.

I knew I had to do something fast! Now, I knew my parents were so relieved, deep down because finally, they would be able to monitor my every move.  Hey, relax, I am like the most obedient child every parent could wish for.  Don’t panic, people. .. Haha. I know its their responsibility but, sometimes it goes to the extreme and its not pretty. Since they were reluctant to paying for off-campus accommodation for me because its usually almost double the price of that of on-campus, I knew I had to sort myself out.

So I came up with a lie that I was sure would win me my way out of the house!! I convinced them to allow me to stay at a friend’s while in fact, I was moving into my boyfriend’s place who would be staying on campus. So I was to stay at this said friend’s place, as I waited to see if I could get my own room. Honestly, I had always wondered what this would be like,,,co-habiting. And so this presented itself as the perfect opportunity.  Then again, through the  stress I was going through, being left out by the accommodation system, and having all my classmates pity me for being so unlucky,,I could use a drink(co-habiting)

Then along came my girlfriend from way back in highschool. We had been so tight back then, the kind of friend you share all your secrets with, and laugh with at the silliest things, share your craizy dreams and ideas with. Visit each other during holidays, spend hours talking about the most nonesensical things…. YES!! That kind of friend. We promised each other that we would not grow apart, even when we discovered that we would be going to different campuses. But time would tell… Our meetings became more rare and we talked less. 😦

I was able to notice that a few things about her had changed though.  See when she first joined campus, it had all been too overwhelming for her, the new-found freedom with all the temptations that come along with it. All night long clubbing was now her thing, taking liquor.. And even though I was already a year after I’d been deflowered, hers was still intact. Though she was still really fascinated about my situation and would constantly ask away; the details and probe me to explain it well enough. However, the next semester, she was beginning to feel really bad about her new “wild” and “free” nature. Maybe because she had, in her drunken episodes, kissed her friend’s bf as she watched. :O…I don’t know. But yes, this change gradually became a new sense of peace and spiritual journey for her whereby she reconnected with God and forgave herself for that “sinful” past.

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Then came he huge blow..One day, she had come to visit a pal of hers in our campus and she didn’t find her around so she thought she would stop by my place..of which, I dint have a “place”. haha. I looked at her phone as it rang, still contemplating on picking it, (because she had texted me before and I had not replied yet) trying to think up a lie to tell her. By now the phone had rang for so long and I thought to myself, “Heck!! I don’t care what she thinks”  See we had stayed so long without talking and due to that she had even missed out on this new development in my life; me missing a room and moving in with my bf.

What!!! I was given such a lecture!! I might have forgiven it, but I don’t think I’ll ever forget the “judgement” I received that day.  You know the way you tell your friend something that you are up to that is not so nice in the hope that maybe they won’t make you feel so bad about it…SHOCK ON ME!!!

This is how it went;

—me giving her directions over the phone..”take the left turn and come up the stairs to the 2nd floor”

—-we finally meet and exchange pleasantries, then she blurts out..”oh, you guys have mixed hostels”

—me knowing the moment I had been dreading has come..”well, actually..am staying at my bf’s place”

—-her, in utter shock at my “madness'(she didn’t have to say it, but I knew that is what she thought of it)..”WHY!!??”

—me..”well..because I missed a room”

—her..”why didn’t u stay back home..? does your mum know about this??”

By this time, I was the one in shock!! And anger was starting to build up and fast!! I told her of course my my parents knew none of this. So we took a walk to our mutual friend’s place as we had planned earlier. Now this is where S#@$T got ReAL!! haha. She told me that she couldn’t believe that I would stoop to that level. That she didn’t think that I would do something like that, cohabiting was wrong, bla, bla, and that the me she knew back then was gone! My!! I told her that my decision was based on my own opinions and that she had her own!! Thank God the said friend we were to visit happened to not be around so we just parted ways soon after.

All this time I thought to myself, “who are you to tell me these things? you have never even had a bf to know the challenges that come with being in a relationship at this age when marriage is not even around the corner because there is school to finish first!!! who are you to tell me that I have stooped low when you have never even been in a compromising situation with a guy”… You are very lucky, to not to have to go through such trials. But your time will come one day, and you will remember me, you will remember this very day, those very words you hammered into my head!” I was very bitter!

We never spoke for more than 6 months and she was the one who checked up on me anyway..and at the time, I reluctantly tried to give her another chance. Since then though, our friendship has never been the same again, and though she tries to act like nothing happened, I have never felt the need to share any personal stuff with her. I guess I could say she broke my heart ;(

I believe everyone has their own life, their own mistakes to make, their own decisions to make and consequences to deal with. I had consequences for my “misadventure”(co-habiting) but that’s a story for another day…

Let’s strip away the need to look perfect and be the

church to each other. Let’s be each other’s mighty warriors.

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Don’ judge,

Love.