Lets Just Skip To The Best Part

“The wind that blows can never kill The tree God plants;
It bloweth east; it bloweth west;
The tender leaves have little rest, But any wind that blows is best.
The tree God plants Strikes deeper root, grows higher still, Spreads wider boughs, for God’s good-will Meets all its wants.”

—LILLIE E. BARR.

As long as I belong to Him…I know that no matter what comes my way, I shall continue to stand. When am going through hard times, I like to remind myself that “He will carry me through…”

And even now..as I usher in my 4th year of Arch School, I am scared stiff. As the Arch School legend goes, it is by far, the toughest most stressful year. Nobody loves tough. My 2nd year was a blast..so much fun..and I would love me days like those every now and then. Unfortunately or fortunately, I have to go through the tough to make me stronger.

Times like this I wish I could just fastfoward to the good parts…like my first graduation, with my first first class.. Whats this talk of firsts, you may wonder.. Ours is a two-tier program where you graduate twice. First graduation is after 4th year, Bachelor in Achitectural Studies. Then there’s an optional continuation to 5th and 6th year where you graduate at the end of 6th year with a Bachelor in Architecture. Difference?? 5th and 6th are thesis years and until you get your BArch at the end of your 6th, you can’t be a registerd architect. Sucks!!

Yes. So times like this I would wish to skip all the stress and sleepless nights in studio, harsh crits by the studio masters..and find myself in a flourishing arch firm earning my first cool 6-figures. But then again, would all these be worth it without the pain? Does it even count, that sort of thing that would come too easily.

Oh Life!! Do you have to be soo hard!! Maybe so we can appreciate you more…huh?  All the same, I pray that He may carry me through, as I begin my 4th this monday. Therefore, I am at rest, I have nothing to worry about for He holds it together for me.

Cheers,
Love.

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The Other Gentleman *sigh**sigh*

One thing I promised myself this year is to take all opportunities I find plausible and just flow with it. Thats exactly what I did today. I finally met T. In the past, its really been a struggle to meet him. Today went rather smoothly, much to my surprise. He only has a few days left before his flight and I cant help this really bitter-sweet feeling I have.

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He is intelligent without being arrogant, talkative without being annoying. Funny..witty..I thought am an overthinker..he is like the master of that. He is the puuurrrrfect gentleman and am a sucker for that, especially.

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I cant help but wonder what it would be like if he was my man. Honestly, apart from M, he is undoubtedly the nicest guy I have ever met…and now he has to leave. It breaks my heart. ;(

Given other circumstances, who knows…I have had some crushes in the past, even with M still in the picture. Most of them have really been all about the physical so they just fade away with time because I have never really emotionally connected with any of those guys. But this..this.. Him. I know he shall be etched in my heart for a lifetime.

I know things are serious when I write about them…this being my second post about this guy. Haha.

Being the gentleman he is, he arrived earlier than me which was kind of a bummer because I really would have loved to give a good impression of the great timekeeper I am. Haha. I slept late last night trying to watch movies..trying to avoid overthinking the date that was today lest I screw everything up.

Climbing those stairs felt like the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do in my life!! I was weak to my knees and I constantly had to convince myself that he was just-a-friend and therefore there was no reason for the anxiety. I remember as I walked there, I already felt full. Between the butterflies in my stomach and having to tuck in my stomach, I wasnt sure that there was really much space left in my tummy for the lunch that he was to buy. 😀

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I knew for sure that he would notice how uneasy I was. Like I said, I am not good at hiding my feelings. Kind of an open book. He quickly noticed that I was blushing when he suggested that we sit directly across. The eye-contact was what killed me mostly. He seemed to stare right through me. It was pretty intense.The guy does not waver. In my attempts to avert his gaze, he jokingly asked why I seemed distracted or whether its because I was blushing. OMG!!

I wanted to just vanish, right there and then! Never been soo embarrassed!! At some point he even thought he was boring me or maybe I was feeling nervous because M would probably bump into us having a ‘date’. Trying to explain my demeanour was the worst part for me. See I come across as really outgoing and so jumpy and bubbly when chatting via phone and that is exactly what he expected. Much to my disappointment, up to now, am just wondering whether he likes the ‘other’ me more or the me that he met today. *sigh*

Its really annoying how much I care so much about what he thinks of me. I am even surprised at myself. Arrrghhhh!!

He made a joke last night as we chatted..that at some point he thought that maybe I was avoiding meeting up with him because I was scared that he would steal me away from M. Like I said, none of us have even come close to point out the fact that we might actually really like each other. This was probably tge closest hint that he would easily hit on me, if given the chance.

One thing I know for sure though, no guy will waste his time on a girl if he doesnt see something good and I mean really gooood coming from it. Well, good is relative..but I know for sure, he is no woman-user. At some point today he said I reminded him of a girl he dated.. o_O Immediately he said this all I could here in my head is usher’s song in my head..”you remind me of a girl..” Then he says stuff like I am the female version of him and puts me in the spot questioning my love for M! o_O Asking me what I think of settling abroad, (as if he wants to whisk me away the next minute)..and even goes on to ask how many kids I would want. Enough Said!!

This guy has obviously been doing his calculations. He even tried to confuse me with issues of how its kind of sad that most long relationships or relationships that started sooo early, in most cases never work out. Got me doing a lot of thinking. How at some point in one’s adult life, one needs to know themself as an individual..bla..bla.. I have been with M all my adult life. I dont know life without M. These, I admit, are things that are usually at the back of my mind and for the first time ever, someone put me in the spot! *feeling challenged*

I know what he is trying here though. This guy is proud and will not take rejection so easily so he has to be sure its mutual before he asks that question. *same here* Hopefully I am not getting the wrong idea about all this and perhaps the guy is just happy to have found a good friend in me.

Men..help me figure this out pleaaaseee.

Lord help me!! I thank God that he is leaving soon because otherwise I would have a really hard decision to make because as it is; I am already cheating on M emotionally. But..After all is said and done, I can only wait for God to lead me for His plans are best.

 

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Until then, I can only reminisce over the beauty of meeting and getting to know such a great guy. Come what may, I know I have made a friend, perhaps for life.

Peace,
Love.

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Maybe I Want To Get Married To Make Sex Right!!

Yes. I said it!!

This past weekend was the sort of weekend part of me had been dreading.. First of all, it was a party weekend, it had been two months since we ‘bonded’ and we were going to be ‘alone’ at some point. Honestly, we didn’t even think twice!! I know I didn’t.

Now we back to square one. I feel like giving up already. Its not as easy as it seemed. It was probably easy because for those two months we never found ourselves alone. Maybe because we never really had a chance to so we just went with the flow.

We have carefully avoided the topic all weekend but its been like this ‘craizy monkey on my back’..the whole time. So yesterday I broke the awkardness and asked him ” so now whats next?” and he said, ” I dont know”

I’ve heard that before and I know exactly what it means-we just go with the flow.

I honestly dont know how to do this anymore. Things are getting more complicated by the day. Now almost all of a sudden, he has a whole house and car to himself. (his mum has travelled and not even she knows when she will be back) He is soon going to start working, still jobhunting. All these new dynamics are so new to me..and I must say, really different and exciting and all I can think of now is one thing!!

Cant we just get Married Already??

I mean, what are we waiting for. Oh! I know…financial stability, for me to atleast finish my degree..for us to be ‘ready for marriage’. Question is, is there really a time we can say that we are really ‘ready’ for marriage?

Maybe am feeling all this pressure and uneasyness because am a little disappointed at myself. Heck, it was all too conducive, that weekend. All I had to do was lie to my parents that I would be at my sister’s place in campus. Left home on friday morning, was back Monday evening. Yea, all began with a lie.

When I got into this relationship at 17, who am I kidding, I saw none of this coming. Now I have to deal with battling with guilt every once in a while. Am at a crossroads. In the past, I have hit rock bottom with this and I have even suggested that we break up because we cant be together and not ‘fall’.

4 years of ‘bonding’…(we like to call it that to make it seem legit) is not easy to just all of a sudden break off. It feels like a ‘divorce’ of sorts.

Marriage seems to be the ultimate solution to all this. I really envy people who meet and marry in two years. No mambo jambo, all straight to the point and everything runs smoothly. Those definitely have no problem waiting. Heck!! We waited for a year before we kissed..for two years before we first ‘bonded’.

Sometimes life can be so unfair I guess. Its funny how in the past people would just quickly hit it off and introduce each other to their parents and thus make it official. Then more women started getting into careers and soon that fades away. I guess we get what we asked for. I asked God to help me get into Arch school and I got a whooping 6 Years of it! I start my 4th this September.

Some may think “Maybe I want to get Married to make Sex Right”.. Well for now, I wont lie to you, Its mostly that! I will tell you this, like I have been telling everybody else. (though it started out as a joke)

I am Getting Married Next Year!!

Am out,
Love.

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Forever..Always..

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“People think a soul mate is your perfect fit, and
that’s what everyone wants. But a true soul mate
is a mirror, the person who shows you
everything that is holding you back, the person
who brings you to your own attention so you can
change your life.
A true soul mate is probably the most important
person you’ll ever meet, because they tear down
your walls and smack you awake. But to live with
a soul mate forever? Nah. Too painful. Soul
mates, they come into your life just to reveal
another layer of yourself to you, and then leave.
A soul mates purpose is to shake you up, tear
apart your ego a little bit, show you your
obstacles and addictions, break your heart open
so new light can get in, make you so desperate
and out of control that you have to transform
your life, then introduce you to your spiritual
master…”

We started talking to each other in 2005. Previously, we’d only just say ‘hi’ to each other. This time, it was a long-ish conversation and even though it involved exchanging movie dvds..I will forever remember it because thats what broke all the previous awkwardness.

He came into my life a time when I was struggling with family issues. I was soon to learn that I was not alone. He too was going through a hard time and at some point his sister, mother and him even moved out of their house and rented an apartment not so far away. This was the first thing that made us bond for the first time. We connected in a way that I had never connected with anyone before. We opened up to each other, showing our trust for each other and we conforted each other..we were each other’s shoulder to lean on.

M and I were slowly falling in love with each other. He made me smile when times were hard and made everything seem okay when it was not. Laughter became a part of my life in a very strong way. I remember my mother telling my sister to try and cheer up and start learning to smile through it all..like I was doing. Thats the day I realized I had trully changed..for the better. Almost overnight too..I had gone from sulky-in-photos too Super-Photogenic!! 😀 Haha. Am serious! You should see my photos from way back when.. I looked like I had been scolded then forced to take a photo, as more punishment. Hahahaa.

He is very easygoing without being blase and am the total opposite. I was usually the quietest person in any group of people..especially a new group of people. That soon changed. Even though am not the loudest, I am now out of the backstage. He taught me how to take life easy and quit being so uptight about everything.

I always say this to him and I always thank God for this; he is the kindest heart I know and even think I’ll ever know. For him, happiness comes naturally, I think. Haha. While some of us are struggling with a daily reminder to be happy always, he seems to just take it in stride. I want to be like him. I admire him. Definitely want to spend the rest of my life learning the secrets of his happy heart. Deep down I know the secret is God.

However, I dont know about that part where soulmates have to leave. God knows I want him in my life forever. 8 years of friendship I believe would only be fair if pushed to a lifetime.

M is my soulmate, my best friend, my lover, my partner, my companion.
Forever..Always..

Till forever dies,
Love.

Tomorrow Will Be Anxious For Itself!!

Matthew 6:34

34 “Therefore do not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble.”

A constant reminder to me, the notorious ‘overthinker’ to stop worrying about the future.

I have 4 days to go for my design competition entry. This week I have been trying to beat all odds. Working almost non-stop. I have resolved my design in ways I had never thought I could. Last week and the one before, I was so tired and felt like giving up. Well, truth is, I actually gave up. Especially after my friend and classmate told me that he was tired as well-trying to juggle attachment and the competition.

I remember thinking, “well, atleast if he is out..” I consoled myself with that fact and also the fact that I was very busy with an office interiors project myself. So I also went on to think of the possibilities of my then 1/4 of a design making it through the winnings. It would probably even be disqualified for “lack of seriousness”. Then I also told myself that it was perhaps not God’s plans for me to do the competition anyway.

But what about the feeling I got immediately I got my hands on the competition brief..? I felt like I was called to do it! Where was that promise…? Is it possible that the same God who told me to do it and see His Amazing Works was now telling me that I will not make it..? Never!! Lies!!

I block all thoughts of tomorrow because they are mostly negative and I choose to focus on the now. Now is when you can change something, not Tomorrow. I decided that even though I have a week, I will try what I can..’A Day At A Time.’ (lately I have been feeling like that should have been the name of my blog..oh well..) 19th August ’13 be the D-Day!

Pray for me guys,
Love.

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A Solder Lives…To Fight Another Day.

We come to a point in our lives when for a split second, everything seems so perfect. This is when all that ever bothered you is no longer a problem but merely a figment of your memory. You reach a point where you can comfortably laugh it off and brush it off as a ‘lesson-learnt’.

Sometimes I even have to pinch myself, refusing to believe for just a moment, that my family is as blessed as we are now. We have our struggles, yes. But nothing compared to the horrors of yesterday. I am still amazed at how far we have come..each one of us. Trully, God answers prayers.

10years ago, a time like this, I would probably be locked up in my room trying to drown myself in little sketches that I liked to do when I was sad and feeling lonely. I would then try to numb the recurring stomach ulcers with some soft humming from my favourite radio. I would try to occupy my mind so much so that I would not even dare think about the violence that would follow in the night; the yelling, throwing around of furniture and utensils, the beatings, the exchange of words, the rumours that would go around among the neighbours the following morning, missed breakfast, getting late to school, skipping lunch coz of too much stress.

It left me and my 8 year-old sister so scared and helpless. Even though he didnt touch or insult us, the much he did to my mother was enough to scar us and to make us hate him more everyday. Alcohol. He had succumbed to it. It was ruining our lives. We suffered for 7 long years. On and Off. On and Off.

Finally, around this time, in 2005, we managed to convince him to go to rehab. Yes. God had finally changed his heart, made him more willing to give it a try. Second Chances. Our prayers of Redemption were finally being answered. This was only the beginning. He recovered well in those three months he was there and then joined us.

If you see us today, its unbelievable. Many wonder how we did it. It was God’s Divine Power. My mother, sister and I clung to prayers like they were our daily bread…our breathe. They actually were, come to think of it. Soon after, we even moved to a new neighbourhood…way better by standards and even psychologically. There was no point of staying there, where we were under constant scrutiny from the neighbours, waiting for any slight fall. It was a fresh start for us.

Dad has been sober for 8 years now. I am proud of him. Never misses mass on Sundays. The most positive person I have ever met. Sometimes he can be so positive it even starts to get annoying. Haha. Well…I have started to turn into that myself.

You might think that it is now so perfect. Yes…perhaps when compared to the past, but in reality, no, far from it. But we are managing. The hardest thing has been trying to rebuild the burnt bridges. The fear we had for him still lingers on. We used to isolate ourselves and avoid him and thus we never really got to bond well. We are obviously closer to mother and so sometimes he feels left out and instead of trying to reach out he gets angry and pushes us away. Its a struggle getting to know each other all over again. He is a perfectionist, likes to have all control and is very short-tempered. Am getting used to that. Its not easy, but am trying. We all are.

He wrote me a letter when I was still away in highschool; in boarding school. Of all the things he said, “A Soldier Live To Fight Another Day”..has remained etched in my heart. I hold on to that everyday. Things never get easier. We only get tougher!

Stay Strong,
Love.

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I Will Soar Like An Eagle…

The eagle is the most majestic bird in the sky, but something happens to all Eagles at least once in their lifetime, they molt.

In the life of every Eagle, they will go through a molting process that can bring with it a great depression.

This is a wilderness time where;

*They begin to lose their feathers, and their beak and claws begin to alter as well.

*The eagle will walk like a turkey and they has no strength at all to fly.

*The molting eagle finds himself in the valley, unable to fly, with its feathers falling out.

*They lose their ability to see, as well, their vision weakens during this time.

*Calcium builds up on their beaks and they can’t hold their heads up.

*This is so traumatic, to the proud majestic birds that Eagles truly are. They lose their desire to eat, they only eat fresh meat and they have no strength to hunt..

But then another phenomenon takes place….

*When the molting eagle gets in this last state, often times they will begin to peck on each other, occasionally killing another molting eagle, as they gather together in one place.

*At this time they will choose some area of a mountain range where the sun can shine directly on them, and they will lie on a rock and bathe in the sun.

*During this time other eagles come and drop food to the ones going through this “molting” stage. But, its never the younger eagles that are dropping the food, it is always the older eagles that have survived this experience and know what the “molting” eagle is going through.

.. “It is a most pathetic sight to see. Four or five eagles molting in the valley, where they once would only soar over to look for fresh kill. “…

But, If they don’t renew, they will die. ”

They grow weaker and weaker. Suddenly there comes a sound from the sky over the valley. Screaming loudly, another group of eagles fly overhead and drop fresh meat over the dying birds. The screaming is encouragement. That’s what they reckon; the screaming is encouragement from other Eagles who have already gone through this. Some eat and recover but others roll over and die.

Any of this sounds familiar? Yes. ..thought so. This stage of the life of an eagle sounds so much like what I am going through right now. What you or someone you might know, may be going through.

This is how I relate;

1. It takes place in a valley

We all know that life is not always on the mountain top. It has its ups and downs..hills and valleys. It’s not always soaring in the heavenlies. And like a friend of mine once told me on a particular Monday when she was not in the best of moods..’Every day is not a Sunday.’.. I will never forget that fact. There will times when we feel we are in a valley / a wilderness maybe… But I love to read Genesis 26:19 because it talks about Isaac being brought into a valley, we are told that he had to dig there, and when he dug, he found a well of fresh running water.

But then when the Eagle is like this…

2. They lose their desire to eat

Times like I usually feel like I have lost hope in all I have ever believed in. Nothing makes sense anymore and so I avoid the very thing that can help me-God’s Word. Times when I should be praying like never before, are the times am most angry at God and feel like I cant even utter a word to Him.

Then there is another thing

3. Their vision goes

That sublime vision that is so awesome, so inspiring, the Eagle could spot a rabbit miles away… Things that mattered matter no more, like good health and just simply breathe.. Such times all I think of is the pain am going through and I fail to look around me, near me, to see all the goodness, the blessings that surround me despite my problems.

“Don’t let ’em clouds cloud your vision…”

A. Hurts can cloud your vision
B. People can
C. Church life can / its bickering / squabbling can

Then this happens to the Eagle at the time of molting..

4. Calcium builds up on its beak, and they find themselves looking down. Bad habits are very easy to acquire during the times we are low. Habits such as drunkenness, promiscuity, arrogance, cruelty and a lot of negative attitude.

When you urn your eyes upon Jesus look fully in His wonderful face, things of earth will grow strangely dim In the light of His glory and grace…

But then they tell us;

5. The Eagle begins to help its self in this state

They scratch at their own claws until they are down to nothing and so will grow new again.They will knock beaks until the calcium that was weighing them down falls.
I like to look at this way; the old calcium is the old us..our old bad habits that must die because they will be of no use to us in the place we are going..when we soar. 

Then again, God helps those who help themselves. If we make the effort God will respond to that. Sitting about moping, sitting about reeling is not the thing to do.
But the greatest thing of all The Eagle does to benefit itself while it is in this state of molting is to choose a spot were the sun can shine directly on them. Eagles will find a rock and they will lay on it. They will do so as they bathe in the presence of the sun. They will let the sun beam down on them. They will wait just there and its here that they begin to get renewed.

            “…Be Still…”

…”Isaiah 40:31. But those who wait on the LORD Shall renew their strength; They shall mount up with wings like eagles, They shall run and not be weary, They shall walk and not faint….”

I hope this detailed account of the eagle’s molting stage is as encouraging to you as it is to me.

Then always remember this pals, if God can restore an eagle..a bird.. how much more can He do for us then, His children…. Its Simply Amazing!! 🙂

Soaring,
Love.

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