I Blame The Things He Said To Me

He caught me off guard..all that flirting was new to me. I never expected anything from it, thought it was worth the fun of being young.. See I was 15, I was just learning the ropes.

We started this cat and mouse game that seemed to be harmless. He would ask me out and I would constantly say no. He would walk me back home after an afternoon spent taking a walk. I had never felt that special in my life; he knew just the right words to say to me..the right tone of voice to use on me and just the right look to give me when I caught him staring.

Even though I knew it wouldnt last, my heart was starting to give in. He was too good to be true..and even though something told me that he was just having fun..also learning new things, I loved all the attention he gave me. He on the other hand, thought of me as quite a mystery..was intrigued by my principles and thought I was a very rare kind of girl. So he kept on chasing…. 😉

It complicated things a bit for me because he kept saying how much he liked me and well…it was also starting to look like I washis “girlfriend”….We had only gone us far as a hug but one day on the bus,  on our way home..he whispered how much he wanted to kiss me. I lingered on that fantasy and I fell into some kind of trance.

However I could very easily see how this guy worked. Heck!! Guy was just having fun. Trying his luck at the seemingly endless sea of possibilities. Therefore I brought up my first DTR!! I needed to know how he really felt about me. Had to find out where we were headed…coz truth be told, I knew there were so many like me in his life. Wide-eyed and smitten!

So I asked him what exactly we had going on for us. I asked him who I was to him!

Then came the **bombshell**

After all that time I spent with him..after all those sweet-nothings he whispered to me when no-one was looking. After all the things he did to make me feel special and like the only girl in the world for him. He broke My heart!

I had fallen for all his lies and when he saw that there was nothing in it for him. He told me that he really really liked me but he was not ready for a relationship! Then after a lot of…bla..bla..bla…he said that I was just a friend!! I remember slamming the gate shut on his face that day and rushing off to my room to cry myself to sleep. He managed to make me cry for something I had known was never going to be, right from the start!

I felt like quite the fool! He tried to call me that night and many more nights after, left many texts none of which I bothered to reply. He sent me letters that I dont remember even replying. He explained that being with me would cause him to compromise with his christianity. It would be temping for him..bla..bla.. He should have known that before he led me on!! I wrote him letters from my aching heart..letters that were too hurtful to send..letters that I kept in my bedside drawer until the day I shredded them and burnt them..and let go.
I never knew the word then..but now am pretty sure that that was the first guy who FRIENDZONED me!!

But heeey…karma is a bitch and so I let karma do my dirty work!!

2 years later he came to our place so much to my surprise. I had long forgotten my pain and ao we chatted away, like good old friends…all grown up and mature. I could tell the real reason why he had come though. And it was definitely not to catch up with an old friend over a glass of juice.

As I saw him off that day, he managed to do that which he had come to do…ask me to be his girlfriend!! I just looked at him with so much disgust..and said NO to his face and it felt like the sweetest revenge. I was happy with M and needed no more guys in my life. That I made clear to him. Told him that what whe had had im the past was just that…the past! History! He kept insisting and started to get on my nerve. I remember to the point where I stopped walking and told him I had to say goodbye. He then had the audacity to ask me for a hug. Yes!! I did just that!! Left him there high and dry, without even as much as a handshake….

I think of my naivety then..and just laugh at how much I was willing to give it a shot!! My fearlessness then, I admire a lot. I kind of have lost some of that…I guess because I learnt when you risk, you risk getting hurt.

Once bitten,
Love.

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Cut that Compromise!!

I bet all of you have had to compromise; more than we may be willing to admit actually. (Some of us are actually compromising right this moment. Reading/writing this instead of doing work/assignments/chores. :p )Be it with family, friends, lovers, school, work. I know I have.

well….if you know me, you know all my illustrations will have something to do with love. In this case relationships and the temptation to cheat, during. (been there done dat)

Compromise;

* Flourishes when the decision to do the right thing isnt made at the right time. For example, when you fail to pause and think before you kiss that guy…

*Underestimate the devil’s ability to lure and trap. Who knows just how far that kiss will go… If you are over at his place. You are totally screwed. Going there was just enough!!!

*Just a choice away. You either say yes or no. Its a decision only you can make. You choose to go about it or to just stay away from the guy for good if possible.

*Entices through flattery and fantasy. He says he thinks you have very sweet-looking lips and you immediately picture the two of you riding off in the sunset..to the starry nightscape.

*Through rationalization and deception. Once you find yourself rationalizing the situation, thinking of all the reasons why you should actually do it, you are soo screwed!! Dont let your thoughts wander off to that road.

*Always costs so much. When you are over and done with it..the thrill of it subsides..actually ends so fast and is replaced by feelings of guilt and self-loathing that you could have avoided.

How do we avoid it;

*Convictions. Or scruples or principles if you like. Yes…grab a stool and let it help you reach that topmost unreachable corner of you closet..in that dusty old box where you hid ’em principles once you hit the age of 20 and thought to yourself, ” Heck Yea!! Am gonna do what I want! Am young and freeee!!” Without values you fall for conveniences.

*Courage. Get the guts to flee. Run away from temptations. Dont get tired of saying NO to that situation that beckons you…welcomes you with open arms. I had to literally had to run away from a really hot guy who was trying to chat me up one day as I walked to class. I tend to fastforward things pretty much in my mind..and I could see how easy and exciting it would be to kiss that guy..or worse.

*Commit. Get advice. Share with a friend..or a mentor…or counsellor…or Me. 😉 Haha. Well, dont just sit there and wait till you make some crappy decisions. Talk to someone who will snap you back to reality. Someone who will talk some sense in you and that will hold you accountable. Pray for strength. Its not easy.

*Confidence. When you tell a guy No. Say it like u mean it!! Let him respect your boldness and the truth that you stand for. Thus you wont have him around anymore, tempting you left right and centre. 😉 Haha.

Be bold,
Love.

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