This One Shall Be My Comeback!!

One project down..close to 6 more to go. How am I feeling? Pathetic! Depressed-ish! Like I could have done better in this first one. Project introduction and site-visit on the first day of reporting literally just left me damaged. Psychologically, mentally, physically not so much. It was atleast not the hallo I expected though I didnt expect some sort of embrace and sweets being dished out to each one of us. Its 4th year..not 2nd year no more!! Reality hits me over and over again.

This marathon is taking a lot of getting used to. It feels more like punishment as the day goes by. I guess thats why some call it architoture. :/ I know I have started out on some kind of slowmotion..switching software and all..just so I can produce more workable designs. Gone are the days when I would sail my way through academic years with iconic concepts that werent exactly that easy for an engineer to interpret. This will definitely take A LOT of getting used to. Getting off my comfortzone.

I have been beating myself up..A Lot!! Changing softwares especiakky felt really bad!! Kind of like I was having a really really bad breakup that is inevitable. It almost killed my drive. BUT..I am really surprised, the things I was able to do with this new one. It was a really good surprise and one that uplifted me when I was starting to feel really down. God’s grace is what I can call it.

The fact that I havent been as psyked as most of my colleagues have, has been kind of frustrating really. How everybody else is working their ass off like they are doing last project on earth while am here just simply working according to my moods. I guess I just dont wanna burn out before the last project is over. Missing my period last semester for a straight 3 months was not even funny. Yes. Welcome to architecture..where the stress is enough to hibernate some of your body organs. Looking back though, it was kind of worth it.

Funny thing though, I have noticed I always start all my academic years like this. Kind of chilled, almost blase even..getting to see where everybody is at; my colleagues, my lecturers..then BAM!! I hit when they least expect it!! Haha. But really, it takes a lot of strength, resilience, patience..this course. I cant help but wonder how it would be like if I didnt actually enjoy architecture. Man, it would be really crappy!!

Ooookaay!! Enough sobbing around!! Hallo Project 2!! Lets get this party started. I have 3 weeks to get it done. Its all about landscaping the previous project. Its my 1st landscaping project actually. I know this one shall be my come back!! 🙂 That I can feel in my veins. Wish me luck people. :*

xoxo,
Love.

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On To The Next

Talk of having a schoolgirl crush!! This one came so very unexpectedly. He looks nothing like ‘my typical kinda guy’..and I still insist on finding out why..and how.. I am so drawn to him. Oh! By the way.. yes..I am still going steady with M even as I write this. I’m so used to this nowadays, I like to call it being a ‘normal girl’ with ‘normal feelings’ #way to console myself for emotional cheating#

I dont know how it started but I know it was all about first impressions. The first impression he left was ‘purrrfect. A little hint of interest and some subtle glances…then that last lingering goodbye stare. It was at our first meeting..at one of the school events. This event was actually a year ago. (Its been a slow one, this one) Funny enough though, it was oh so very harmless and meant nothing that day. Then all of a sudden am overthinking it a couple of days later and it all started to look very different. Very Very Exciting!

Honestly, sometimes I think I have been in a relationship for so long to the point of trying to find something exciting wherever I can. Yes. I still love M..but maybe am not in love maybe am not as excited as I was before. It comes and goes..the excitement.

This guy..is two years ahead of me in my school and we are in the same space which makes it really good. Yes, learning in my school is intergrated like that. (puhliz, who cares about learning right now; atleast I get to see my crush almost daily) We barely say more than a word to each other (I literally run out of words) but the excitement of knowing that he might be watching me..and better yet; catching him staring at me is just sooo…

“Snap out of it girl!!!” I have to constantly remind myself this everytime I catch mysef deep in fantasy. I know that just like the other ones, this is just by passing ..just like “the other gentleman”. Just saw you know, we have never talked since he left the country. It breaks my heart but I guess right now its more like am on a “on-to-the-next” spree.

But there is just something about this one; maybe its his eyes, or the way he smiles…or the way he seems to look right through me..looks like he is lost in me. Only Time Will Tell..

xoxo,
Love.

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You Just Never Know..

I know I will forever remember this day. 🙂

If you have read my posts, “my happiness journey”, “I choose to keep trying”..and a couple more in between, you probably know by now, that I tried for a design competition and..well..never got notified so I assumed that I had not won anything.

Yesterday 18th Sep that is..(apologies..its kind of confusing for me writing this in the am..nighttime)..was actually the presentation and award ceremony. Apparently most of the shortlisted candidates had not been notified that particular friday, last week actually. Earlier this week I was going to attend atleast some of the talks that were going on, that would eventually lead to the award ceremony.

However, the zest soon faded away. I guess the fact that I did not get that email/receive that much awaited phone call/text that friday had really affected me. Made me think I had not made the cut. So much so that even on tuesday night when my fellow candidate asked if I would be attending the award ceremony today, I reluctantly faked interest in the ‘place’ and ‘time’. Come today, I was busy catching up with an old friend, in the late afternoon, same time when talks were going on at the awards venue..completely oblivious to the fact that…You Never Know…

Fine…Lets cut to the chase;

Around 7pm yesterday I got a call that I have been awarded in absentia, a special mentions award. 🙂 That placed me as no. 4 in the list of the 5 finalists. I have never been that awed, emotional and confused at the same time..and kind of embarrassed too. How can I be absent in my own award!?? Pathetic..huh?? 😀 Well..there is actually a kind of solid reason backing the other ‘ boo-hoo-i-dint-get-notified’ whiny crap!! Its definitely a story for another day. *maintaining the glamour that is today’s post* :))

There was no time to think much though, especially about the possibility of having to present my design to the public, though informally. (stage fright + shy + not so eloquent and ish + really shy) I rushed there just in time for photos and general awards to all participants. Atleast I got to collect  my prize too. *kissing it again*

GOD IS FAITHFUL!!

I hate to do this, dear friends, but will continue this post later..its 3am and got a 9am class tommorrow..oh wait…today actually.. I just had to write this today..couldnt wait to share this good news with y’all. I appreciate all your prayers and kindest thoughts. :))

Sleep Sweet,
Love.

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Joy As Calm Delight

“..Not every day is a holiday,
Not every meal is a banquet,
Not every event is an extravaganza,
Most of the time life just goes along on a regular, even keel..”

-Joyce Meyer-Managing Your Emotions

Slowly learning that its okay to just have nothing really major or “exciting” going on in my life. I am learning that it is actually okay for my days to go without any great emotional fanfare.

“So many of us are like the ocean. Our emotions come in and go out like the roaring tide. One moment we are surging forward overflowing everything in our path, and the next moment we are rushing back out leaving debris everywhere.

Calm Delight can be likened to a bubbling brook that just flows along quietly and peacefully, bringing refreshment to everything and everyone along its path. To be a blessing everywhere we go, to bring a little joy to people’s lives, to live in harmony with others..”

Meanwhile, my new academic year is so far…so good. Awesome project…a primary schiol design. Always wanted to do one of those. Excited to see how it will all turn out.. :)) Gearing up to start my schematic design soonest but for now, I have to still polish my site analysis, case studies and interrelationship studies..otherwise called bubble diagrams.

uuummm…was really tempted to write about ‘the other gentleman’.today but I wont..because then I’ll start obsessing, Again. But if you must know what it was going to be about..I’ll leave you with this; Out Of Sight is definitely Out Of Mind. 😉

xoxo,
Love.

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Lets Just Skip To The Best Part

“The wind that blows can never kill The tree God plants;
It bloweth east; it bloweth west;
The tender leaves have little rest, But any wind that blows is best.
The tree God plants Strikes deeper root, grows higher still, Spreads wider boughs, for God’s good-will Meets all its wants.”

—LILLIE E. BARR.

As long as I belong to Him…I know that no matter what comes my way, I shall continue to stand. When am going through hard times, I like to remind myself that “He will carry me through…”

And even now..as I usher in my 4th year of Arch School, I am scared stiff. As the Arch School legend goes, it is by far, the toughest most stressful year. Nobody loves tough. My 2nd year was a blast..so much fun..and I would love me days like those every now and then. Unfortunately or fortunately, I have to go through the tough to make me stronger.

Times like this I wish I could just fastfoward to the good parts…like my first graduation, with my first first class.. Whats this talk of firsts, you may wonder.. Ours is a two-tier program where you graduate twice. First graduation is after 4th year, Bachelor in Achitectural Studies. Then there’s an optional continuation to 5th and 6th year where you graduate at the end of 6th year with a Bachelor in Architecture. Difference?? 5th and 6th are thesis years and until you get your BArch at the end of your 6th, you can’t be a registerd architect. Sucks!!

Yes. So times like this I would wish to skip all the stress and sleepless nights in studio, harsh crits by the studio masters..and find myself in a flourishing arch firm earning my first cool 6-figures. But then again, would all these be worth it without the pain? Does it even count, that sort of thing that would come too easily.

Oh Life!! Do you have to be soo hard!! Maybe so we can appreciate you more…huh?  All the same, I pray that He may carry me through, as I begin my 4th this monday. Therefore, I am at rest, I have nothing to worry about for He holds it together for me.

Cheers,
Love.

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My Weed Story

Looking back at the 3 past years, I smile. Am halfway through campus and a great future beckons me…My curiosity drives me though it sometimes dreads to break me. I laugh at my mistakes now and live to joke about the tears because now more than ever, I feel so free. (Okay maybe its because am on holiday..) Haha. Wrong! My Happiness journey has has helped me a whole lot.

The past academic year was by far the most stressful and the one that could have totally messed me up. It seriously got me questioning whether architecture was the right course for me. Mild headaches now became an everyday thing.

I remember some days when after a harsh crit, I would retire to my room, lock it, amd shut down my computer which on a normal situation is usually on like 24/7!! And I would get into bed and sleep it all of. Then there would be the weekends when I would decide not touch my design at all!!! And I would party all weekend long. On normal days I go out like once in every 2months. But all the stress pushed me to partyn every single weekend.

I absolutely love dancing and thus alcohol is not a favourite. So the few times I would drink it would be 2 smirnoff ices only. Only coz they taste like soda…sprite actually! Then i turned to doing like 3 shots every time we would go out as a group of classmates.

Then enter (one of the) day I will never forget>>>>>

This particular friday M happened to be having a party over at his hostels. And a campus party is not a party without hard liquor particularly vodka. I went over to say hi and after a couple of hrs I went back to my hostels…with like 125ml of vodka. Since me and my classmates had planned to go out that friday night, to let off steam and ish..

5:00pm I thought to myself.. “why not kickstart the partyn. ” I got a bottle of cocacola and decided to mix a little vodka with it.

6:30pm Am almost done with the vodka now so I decide to just put it all in the 500ml coke bottle so now its half full.

10:00pm I finish gulping the last of the drink and get out of my room to find out if we can start to rock this friday.

11:00pm We are all ready and so we meet up outside and then we share a cookie. We share one among 4 of us. Big Mistake!! By this time am already tipsy from the drink I had been filling myself up with…

11:20pm We are near the club and we are already giggling like craizy!! We enter the club and when we are all settled up the craziness begins….

None of us were up dancing yet which was really weird because we usually start to dance like right at the door of the club. Haha. Talk of mad excitement!! So I asked my girlfriends if the were okay. They said they were fine so minutes later I just stood up and started dancing. Minutes later they joined me. We were with 2 boys by the way. After that we sat down and then it started happening>>>>

The music started to get louder amd louder. At first it was really cool and then it started to sound soooo irritatingly out of this world L.O.U.D!!! Then I decided to stand up and dance. Thats the time I started to really feel it. My body like literally separated from me. Couldnt feel any of my body parts. I remember thinking, “Jesus help me!! I think something is possessing me!” The idea of even calling out Jesus in a club is even distasteful..I know. I should have called Him out when I realized I was under so much stress, in the comfort of my room, right?? In tears..down on my knees, right? But it wasnt that easy. I guess I needed Jesus now…most. When I was messing up so bad!! 😦

Then everyone all of a sudden started to move in slowmotion and everything I imagined, I saw…like how the pictures on the screens were also dancinh around crazily, how the guys at the table in front of us seemed to be planning how they will drug us, kidnap us, rob us and God knows what else!!! “Heck!! They must have already drugged us..thus what am feeling now.” I thought. The waiter (taking their order) seemed to be part of it too. They were probably paying him for successfully managing to lace our drinks. My heart beat rose to a level I had never ever imagined was possible (that I was still alive was another shock too) and I thought I should probably sit down. Between the sudden cold and heat I would feel and the utter thirst and hunger…All my senses were sooo elevated!! I knew was a goner!! So I started to say my last prayers… Because this was all too surreal..unless ofcourse I was dying!! 😦

Now since I couldnt even feel my body, sitting down was starting to prove to be a really tedious task. I knew I wanted to sit down but I just didnt know how to!! Then I started to freak out coz I couldnt talk either yet I knew I had to warn my friends to keep watch of the “kidnappers” At some point, I finally managed to sit down and talk.. I warned my friends and also told them where my keys were lest they were forced to carry me to my room coz honestly, I have never felt so wasted in my life!! I almost grew hysterical with my hallucinations until one of the biys assured me that I was just experiencing a weed high!! :O

NEVER AGAIN!! I swore through my teeth!!!

Thank God the guys were good friends..and that they werent high on weed like us girls or else that night would have gotten really ugly!! gOSH!! We ended up safe and sound in our room at like 5:00am.

Worst mistake was not taking vodka..or taking weed…not even taking both!! BUT…drinking vodka then taking weed!! Vice-versa is not so bad though depending on your tolerance levels, you might just end up in the sick bay if not the E.R…or worse..dead!! I hard to learn the hard way why they say we should not take alcohol or drugs. My curiosity almost messed me up there.

I have been sober for close to 3 months now. But an even more stressful academic year is approaching!! Actually the most stressful year in Arch School!! And I wont lie. Am very very scared. I dont do so well under pressure. Well, I try, but I know I can do better!!

Dont try this at home people..or anywhere else for that matter!! For me, its Once Bitten Twice Shy!!

Stay Sober,
Love.

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