I Love Him..With No Apologies!!

Many people question my cool…how me and M seem to have this almost ‘perfect’ thing going on. They dont understand how I manage to keep it together. Its been really long. We have grown a lot. Coming all this way, I have come across all sorts of people. Some have tried to discourage, some have encouraged. I appreciate all alike. Everyone has a right to their opinion. For some, whatever I do doesnt matter anyway. But this is what I have to say;

You are not the one I cried to when I was broken and feeling unloved,

You are not the one I ran to when I felt like giving up, when I had nowhere else to turn to,

You are not the one who held me close when I felt I had really messed up, and assuerd me that it would all be okay,

You are not the one I constantly share with my deepest and darkest,

You are not the one who quickly pointed out when you thought I was headed the wrong way, found a loving way to do it.

Yet here you are trying to plant doubt, trying to make me question the reason why everything seems so perfect.

See we humans are so used to bad things happening in our lives to the extent that we fail to see the good when it comes, and even if we see it, we dont take it in willingly but try to push it away because we feel perhaps we dont deserve. We really dont, actually..but its all ours anyway.

Doubt..flee my heart and mind today. Fear leave me right this moment.

I now take up my blessings as my very own and bask in the light that the cast upon my life.

No apologies,
Love.

Posted from WordPress for Android

The Other Gentleman *sigh**sigh*

One thing I promised myself this year is to take all opportunities I find plausible and just flow with it. Thats exactly what I did today. I finally met T. In the past, its really been a struggle to meet him. Today went rather smoothly, much to my surprise. He only has a few days left before his flight and I cant help this really bitter-sweet feeling I have.

saying-hello-just-gets-you-closer-to-saying-goodbye-so-why-bother-saying-hello-goodbye-quote

He is intelligent without being arrogant, talkative without being annoying. Funny..witty..I thought am an overthinker..he is like the master of that. He is the puuurrrrfect gentleman and am a sucker for that, especially.

t72c6a3_perfect-gentleman

I cant help but wonder what it would be like if he was my man. Honestly, apart from M, he is undoubtedly the nicest guy I have ever met…and now he has to leave. It breaks my heart. ;(

Given other circumstances, who knows…I have had some crushes in the past, even with M still in the picture. Most of them have really been all about the physical so they just fade away with time because I have never really emotionally connected with any of those guys. But this..this.. Him. I know he shall be etched in my heart for a lifetime.

I know things are serious when I write about them…this being my second post about this guy. Haha.

Being the gentleman he is, he arrived earlier than me which was kind of a bummer because I really would have loved to give a good impression of the great timekeeper I am. Haha. I slept late last night trying to watch movies..trying to avoid overthinking the date that was today lest I screw everything up.

Climbing those stairs felt like the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do in my life!! I was weak to my knees and I constantly had to convince myself that he was just-a-friend and therefore there was no reason for the anxiety. I remember as I walked there, I already felt full. Between the butterflies in my stomach and having to tuck in my stomach, I wasnt sure that there was really much space left in my tummy for the lunch that he was to buy. 😀

blushn

I knew for sure that he would notice how uneasy I was. Like I said, I am not good at hiding my feelings. Kind of an open book. He quickly noticed that I was blushing when he suggested that we sit directly across. The eye-contact was what killed me mostly. He seemed to stare right through me. It was pretty intense.The guy does not waver. In my attempts to avert his gaze, he jokingly asked why I seemed distracted or whether its because I was blushing. OMG!!

I wanted to just vanish, right there and then! Never been soo embarrassed!! At some point he even thought he was boring me or maybe I was feeling nervous because M would probably bump into us having a ‘date’. Trying to explain my demeanour was the worst part for me. See I come across as really outgoing and so jumpy and bubbly when chatting via phone and that is exactly what he expected. Much to my disappointment, up to now, am just wondering whether he likes the ‘other’ me more or the me that he met today. *sigh*

Its really annoying how much I care so much about what he thinks of me. I am even surprised at myself. Arrrghhhh!!

He made a joke last night as we chatted..that at some point he thought that maybe I was avoiding meeting up with him because I was scared that he would steal me away from M. Like I said, none of us have even come close to point out the fact that we might actually really like each other. This was probably tge closest hint that he would easily hit on me, if given the chance.

One thing I know for sure though, no guy will waste his time on a girl if he doesnt see something good and I mean really gooood coming from it. Well, good is relative..but I know for sure, he is no woman-user. At some point today he said I reminded him of a girl he dated.. o_O Immediately he said this all I could here in my head is usher’s song in my head..”you remind me of a girl..” Then he says stuff like I am the female version of him and puts me in the spot questioning my love for M! o_O Asking me what I think of settling abroad, (as if he wants to whisk me away the next minute)..and even goes on to ask how many kids I would want. Enough Said!!

This guy has obviously been doing his calculations. He even tried to confuse me with issues of how its kind of sad that most long relationships or relationships that started sooo early, in most cases never work out. Got me doing a lot of thinking. How at some point in one’s adult life, one needs to know themself as an individual..bla..bla.. I have been with M all my adult life. I dont know life without M. These, I admit, are things that are usually at the back of my mind and for the first time ever, someone put me in the spot! *feeling challenged*

I know what he is trying here though. This guy is proud and will not take rejection so easily so he has to be sure its mutual before he asks that question. *same here* Hopefully I am not getting the wrong idea about all this and perhaps the guy is just happy to have found a good friend in me.

Men..help me figure this out pleaaaseee.

Lord help me!! I thank God that he is leaving soon because otherwise I would have a really hard decision to make because as it is; I am already cheating on M emotionally. But..After all is said and done, I can only wait for God to lead me for His plans are best.

 

saying-goodbye11

Until then, I can only reminisce over the beauty of meeting and getting to know such a great guy. Come what may, I know I have made a friend, perhaps for life.

Peace,
Love.

Posted from WordPress for Android

Maybe I Want To Get Married To Make Sex Right!!

Yes. I said it!!

This past weekend was the sort of weekend part of me had been dreading.. First of all, it was a party weekend, it had been two months since we ‘bonded’ and we were going to be ‘alone’ at some point. Honestly, we didn’t even think twice!! I know I didn’t.

Now we back to square one. I feel like giving up already. Its not as easy as it seemed. It was probably easy because for those two months we never found ourselves alone. Maybe because we never really had a chance to so we just went with the flow.

We have carefully avoided the topic all weekend but its been like this ‘craizy monkey on my back’..the whole time. So yesterday I broke the awkardness and asked him ” so now whats next?” and he said, ” I dont know”

I’ve heard that before and I know exactly what it means-we just go with the flow.

I honestly dont know how to do this anymore. Things are getting more complicated by the day. Now almost all of a sudden, he has a whole house and car to himself. (his mum has travelled and not even she knows when she will be back) He is soon going to start working, still jobhunting. All these new dynamics are so new to me..and I must say, really different and exciting and all I can think of now is one thing!!

Cant we just get Married Already??

I mean, what are we waiting for. Oh! I know…financial stability, for me to atleast finish my degree..for us to be ‘ready for marriage’. Question is, is there really a time we can say that we are really ‘ready’ for marriage?

Maybe am feeling all this pressure and uneasyness because am a little disappointed at myself. Heck, it was all too conducive, that weekend. All I had to do was lie to my parents that I would be at my sister’s place in campus. Left home on friday morning, was back Monday evening. Yea, all began with a lie.

When I got into this relationship at 17, who am I kidding, I saw none of this coming. Now I have to deal with battling with guilt every once in a while. Am at a crossroads. In the past, I have hit rock bottom with this and I have even suggested that we break up because we cant be together and not ‘fall’.

4 years of ‘bonding’…(we like to call it that to make it seem legit) is not easy to just all of a sudden break off. It feels like a ‘divorce’ of sorts.

Marriage seems to be the ultimate solution to all this. I really envy people who meet and marry in two years. No mambo jambo, all straight to the point and everything runs smoothly. Those definitely have no problem waiting. Heck!! We waited for a year before we kissed..for two years before we first ‘bonded’.

Sometimes life can be so unfair I guess. Its funny how in the past people would just quickly hit it off and introduce each other to their parents and thus make it official. Then more women started getting into careers and soon that fades away. I guess we get what we asked for. I asked God to help me get into Arch school and I got a whooping 6 Years of it! I start my 4th this September.

Some may think “Maybe I want to get Married to make Sex Right”.. Well for now, I wont lie to you, Its mostly that! I will tell you this, like I have been telling everybody else. (though it started out as a joke)

I am Getting Married Next Year!!

Am out,
Love.

Posted from WordPress for Android

That Fear Of Self..

Image

“Our worst fear is not that we are inadequate, our deepest fear is that we are powerful, beyond measure.

It is our light, not our darkness that frightens us.

We ask ourselves, “who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented and fabulous.” Actually, who are you not to be?

You are the child of God and your playing small doesnt serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about the shrinking so that other people wont feel insecure about you.

We are born to make manifest the glory of God within us. It’s in everyone and as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”

Be the Light,
Love.

Forever..Always..

Image

Image

“People think a soul mate is your perfect fit, and
that’s what everyone wants. But a true soul mate
is a mirror, the person who shows you
everything that is holding you back, the person
who brings you to your own attention so you can
change your life.
A true soul mate is probably the most important
person you’ll ever meet, because they tear down
your walls and smack you awake. But to live with
a soul mate forever? Nah. Too painful. Soul
mates, they come into your life just to reveal
another layer of yourself to you, and then leave.
A soul mates purpose is to shake you up, tear
apart your ego a little bit, show you your
obstacles and addictions, break your heart open
so new light can get in, make you so desperate
and out of control that you have to transform
your life, then introduce you to your spiritual
master…”

We started talking to each other in 2005. Previously, we’d only just say ‘hi’ to each other. This time, it was a long-ish conversation and even though it involved exchanging movie dvds..I will forever remember it because thats what broke all the previous awkwardness.

He came into my life a time when I was struggling with family issues. I was soon to learn that I was not alone. He too was going through a hard time and at some point his sister, mother and him even moved out of their house and rented an apartment not so far away. This was the first thing that made us bond for the first time. We connected in a way that I had never connected with anyone before. We opened up to each other, showing our trust for each other and we conforted each other..we were each other’s shoulder to lean on.

M and I were slowly falling in love with each other. He made me smile when times were hard and made everything seem okay when it was not. Laughter became a part of my life in a very strong way. I remember my mother telling my sister to try and cheer up and start learning to smile through it all..like I was doing. Thats the day I realized I had trully changed..for the better. Almost overnight too..I had gone from sulky-in-photos too Super-Photogenic!! 😀 Haha. Am serious! You should see my photos from way back when.. I looked like I had been scolded then forced to take a photo, as more punishment. Hahahaa.

He is very easygoing without being blase and am the total opposite. I was usually the quietest person in any group of people..especially a new group of people. That soon changed. Even though am not the loudest, I am now out of the backstage. He taught me how to take life easy and quit being so uptight about everything.

I always say this to him and I always thank God for this; he is the kindest heart I know and even think I’ll ever know. For him, happiness comes naturally, I think. Haha. While some of us are struggling with a daily reminder to be happy always, he seems to just take it in stride. I want to be like him. I admire him. Definitely want to spend the rest of my life learning the secrets of his happy heart. Deep down I know the secret is God.

However, I dont know about that part where soulmates have to leave. God knows I want him in my life forever. 8 years of friendship I believe would only be fair if pushed to a lifetime.

M is my soulmate, my best friend, my lover, my partner, my companion.
Forever..Always..

Till forever dies,
Love.

She..In The Cheetah Pants

Relationships. Love. Romance.

I will not say this once and I will not say this twice. Am a Hopeless Romantic!! 🙂

Me being me..I like to observe, think and take notes..well..in my head. This past weekend has got to be the most eventful ever this year. It was a graduation weekend…the actual graduation being on friday. Started off with family-themed thanksgiving prayers on friday and a friends-themed party on saturday. It was M’s graduation party being hosted at his house.

I remember she walked in at around 10pm. Pretty face. Mediumsized great body..clad in cheetah tights, a vest top and jacket.leopard-print-pants-02

A Ticking Time Bomb! At some point I saw M talking to her and laughing like never before and I could almost feel my insides turn. haha. The Jealousy. Grrrr! Turns out the dame was just M’s distant cousin. Go figure!!

It was pretty obvious that all girls wanted to be her..(well apart from me) all guys wished the could have her. Heck!! They all stared at her the whole time she was there. Some two brothers, M’s other cousins were especially very fascinated by this beauty. Incest.

Both of them were very much drunk by that time though we cant blame it on the alcohol. They say alcohol just brings out the ‘us’ we are too shy to show the world. Fastforward to 3 hours later when we had gone out. One of the brothers had clearly got her full attention and they were now seated together  in  very very compromising positions. At some point I even thought they were going to snog away. Then they disappeared for like 30minutes. Gosh!!

th

I have heard of people hitting on their cousins but never witnessed it first hand. Wanna know the worst part, dunno about the girl, but the guy is in a commited relationship with a girl that he was actually supposed to come with that day. I couldnt help thinking to myself, ‘what if M was like this?’ while am away. Yes. There is like a whole bunch of photos of them too. Hopefully the girlfriend doesn’t get a hold of any one of them because those photos speak a million words.

Now I know why people avoid tagging along their significant others to parties.. So that for that one night they can flirt like never before and for a moment..act like they were single and even taste the possibilities. #sigh

xoxo
Love.

Posted from WordPress for Android